Top 10 Things I Am Maybe Probably Addicted To

1. Tetris. I've mentioned it before but it's a legitimate problem.  I can't get past level ten and it affects my life.

2. Minimized windows. Right now I have 26,  although I don't know if this is an addiction so much as a fear of commitment.  I don't want the document closed but I don't want it opened either.

3.  Punk rock from the 90's... don't ask.

4. Ya Mama. her personality is just so effervescent

5. Chips. I can and do eat them for breakfast... No I can stop any time I want. TOUCH THOSE SOUR CREAM AND BACON CHIPS AND I WILL CUT YOU!  Whoa sorry I don't know what got into me there.

6. Puns. This has cost me friendships and put strain on my relationship with my family.  I can't live without a punchline. Isn't that punishment enough? What am I laughing at? Nothing *chortle* nothing at all.

7. Taking stuff apart.  Broken calculators, fans, jewellery, household pets.  I may or may not have an entire bin full of stuff I have dismantled, said "That's pretty neat" and then because I broke it trying to take it apart, there's no way I can put it back together (I said stuff I was addicted to, not good at).  But I have a skewed sense of sentimentality I keep it all.  I tell myself that it's because I want to be prepared for the apocalypse but I know that's a lie.  I'm severely asthmatic and clumsy to the point of defying physics there is no way I am surviving the apocalypse.

8. Socks. It's gotten to the point where I feel weird if I don't have socks on.  I don't even own sandals because what's the point of going outside if I can't have socks on?

9. Parenting Articles. I don't know why but I read at least three parenting articles every day.  I have no kids.  I want no kids.  But their little minds perceive things so differently.  Go ahead, ask me what I think of time outs as an effective punishment... no seriously please ask me... c'mon ASK ME!

10. Heroine.  I just can't get enough of a strong female character.

Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Dumbbell

1.You don't understand stand why you need to wipe off gym equipment after use.  It's already drenched in sweat, it'll just take longer to dry if I wipe it down with sanitizer.  

2. You don't feel the need to flush the toilet.  YOU ARE AN ADULT!  If I have to keep flushing toilets I am going to start wearing a vest and demanding tips.

3.  You wear street shoes... I am not talking about wearing your cross trainers from the car to the gym (although that is prohibited).  I am talking about the people who have mud caked onto their shoes and proceed to walk around the gym knowingly leaving a trail of filthy dumbbell footprints all over the gym and the equipment.  Sorry did you not see the 16 signs that say "No Street Shoes" or......

4.  Ya Mama... gets left at the gym because you forgot you brought her with you.

5. You take 16 towels.  Because everyone knows it's magical fairies that wash towels, not real live human beings whose time might be spent better elsewhere.

6. You don't put said 16 towels in the hamper.  Everyone else puts their towels in the hamper so stands to reason I should leave it on a bench or piece of equipment.  #logic

7. You fling weights.  I understand why people drop weights but when people drop them before they've even really lifted them properly, it's not lifting it's flinging.  "Bro I can totally fling a solid 250"

8. You don't understand the term Personal Space.  I am cleaning equipment and you are patiently waiting for said equipment.  That's really great but did you know you can wait for equipment without standing directly behind or in front of me.  In fact by waiting in your own personal space you significantly reduce the chances of getting a face full of harsh chemicals.

9. You leave weights lying around.  It's like you thought "This is the heaviest object in the whole gym, I'll pick it up and leave right in the middle of the floor and then I'll go home."  Great because I really love failing to lift twice my weight and then interrupting a complete stranger's workout so that a better person than you can help me clean up your mess.

10. You talk on the phone.  I am not talking about answering your phone and then going to the lobby or outside to finish your conversation.   I am talking about you thinking you are so much more important that everyone else that you feel the need to loudly talk about your life while sitting on a piece of equipment.  "Yeah bro I am working out right now"... no you aren't. you are actually preventing other people from working out while you yell about how noisy it is in the gym...  if only there was somewhere quiet for you to go.

Top Ten Things That Have Betrayed Me

1. Coffee: Basically I tripped down the stairs and then my coffee laughed in my face except coffee can't laugh so it just vomited lava humiliation into my face... and ruined the carpet. BETRAYAL!
See my previous post for more details.

2. Cleaning Supplies: I was promised stain removal, I still only have stain... BETRAYAL!

3. Cribbage: I was on a killer hot streak and needed 3 points to win the game and then I had no points in my crib.... BETRAYAL!

4. Ya Mama: She yelled "19" right before I looked at my crib... BETRAYAL!

5. Reality: I am supposed to be in love, having the time of my life and dancing through life.  Instead I am single, cranky and tripping down the stairs.  BETRAYAL!

6. The Chiropractor: So when I fell down the stairs I threw my shoulder and neck out.  Relax, he said it'll be fine he said.. and then he snapped my shoulder blade back into place and I threw up in my mouth.  BETRAYAL!

7. My sister's childhood: More specifically the elephant costume I spent an hour stretching so I could fit into it.  I woke up this morning to find both my shoulders bruised from trying to squeeze into a costume I rescued from certain destruction.  BETRAYAL!

8. Lemon Chamomile Tea: I like lemon, I like chamomile but together it tasted like pine needles and dish soap.  I trusted you Lipton.  BETRAYAL!

9. Perogies: I was microwaving perogies for lunch.  Ate half of one.  Perfect, a delicious whirlwind of potato and fulfilled dreams.  The second half of the SAME perogy exploded with malicious intent and burned the roof of my mouth so bad it blistered. I was lulled into a false sense of security so my lunch could maim me.  BETRAYAL!

10. The Microwave:  Guilty by association.  The microwave aligned itself with the perogy and therefore is a party to the BETRAYAL!

Top Ten Things That Are Too Rich for My Blood

1. Sweet Potato Fries - Firstly they are gross, secondly you want to pay an extra dollar for fries that aren't even worth a dollar in the first place?

2. Brand Name School Supplies - The only difference between your cue cards and mine are the fact that I didn't need to take out a loan to be able to afford small rectangular paper. Nuff said

3. Condiments - Yes, it is weird to ask for ketchup when I buy a coffee but at least it's a free kind of weird.

4. Ya Mama - Because you can't put a price on maternal instinct

5. Bottled Water - I'm sorry is tap water not good enough for you any more?  You think you're too good for our country's life blood?  Mercury poisoning is just a myth that fancy people believe in.  I bet you think malaria is real too! Pfft this guy!

6. Air Conditioning - With the proper fan placement and air circulation action plan AC is never necessary... NEVER

7. Heat - That's why you own more than one sweater... duh

8. Paper Towel - That's why you own more than one sleeve... duh

9. Toilet Paper - that's why you own more than one hand... duh  <--- you know sometimes I wonder why I'm single but mostly I don't.

10. People who have a gym membership and only use the treadmills - First of all, I'm pretty sure you pay taxes so you can use sidewalks. Also why not spend hundreds of dollars once and just buy a treadmill?  Those suckers are good for years!  Plus no one will judge you for the television shows you watch while working out.  Well maybe that is just me, but whenever I am at the gym, I either turn the TV off or watch sports because I feel like anything else makes me less fit...

Here is what I think about the things Taylor thinks about the weird things I think about...

1. I would never ever vandalize a bathroom stall because it's wrong and nasty.... And I would most definitely get caught because I wheeze when I feel too much adrenaline.

2. Rosie was a backstabbing harlot and I am proud of Taylor for cutting her loose.  Her imaginary friend was bringing her down.

3. WOW! Firstly I was not lying, it was sarcasm for the purpose of comedy obviously I don't have hairy hobbit feet.  Secondly I used to wear socks en route to the beach until Taylor made fun of me so much I stopped wearing socks and sneakers to the beach....

4. Ya Mama isn't always an appropriate response but it is THE response.  Also yes, it is awkward when I say it to Taylor because her Mama is my Mama...

5. Awwwwwww Taylor should shave her head, then it'll be like when she was in the third grade and still had no hair yet.  Taylor was an adorably late bloomer!

6. What if someone discovered music wasn't real?  What then Taylor? Would science concern you then? HMMM?

7. Taylor is afraid of heights.... yet she herself is a giant.  I don't get it either.

8. Quests are fun and dangerous.  The grocery store is boring and the only reward you get for your efforts is having to put groceries away when you get home.

9. Follow your dreams kids! Taylor didn't follow me around singing about my faking asthma... I was stuck in bed because I couldn't breathe enough to MOVE and she was standing in my room and wouldn't leave.

10. I didn't say a pig's head on a stick was like banana oil, thats why it's called weird things I think about instead of perfectly normal things everyone thinks about.

Top Ten List of Weird Things I Think About

1. I really REALLY want to write "Who is nasty enough to bring a sharpie into a public bathroom" on the wall of a bathroom stall... Why? I would like to witness the ensuing chaos as vandals everywhere attempt to validate themselves while pointing how hypercritical that statement is.

2. Sometimes I give up on a story because I don't want anything bad to happen to my characters... which basically means I have imaginary friends

3. Sometimes when I'm talking to people I try to picture what kind of mythical creature they would be... I'd like to say I'm an elf but we all know I'm a hobbit. I eat 8 meals a days, I have disproportionately large feet and lets just say the reason I wear socks to the beach is not because I have sensitive skin.

4. Ya Mama... this is my first impulse response to everything.  Fortunately, most of the time it stays in my head and I just allow awkward silence to permeate the room while I think of something intelligent to say.

5. I think about shaving my head at least 6 times a week... I don't think I would ever actually do it because I have a magnificent mane of nasty orange, labradoodle hair but whenever I get a brush or hair elastic stuck in it, I want to throw in the towel and go bald and beautiful... unless my head is lumpy then I'll just be bald and sad.

6. I worry about a major scientific discovery that will make my degree useless... granted it would have to be a pretty significant discovery to challenge all the underpinnings of science, but look what happened when they discovered the earth was spherical.  The fact that four years of my life could be rendered completely useless in an instant is about a comforting as a snuggie made from cacti.

7.  When I walk past trees I instantly evaluate their climbability... Why? Because my idea of fun hasn't changed since I turned ten.

8. I wish quests were real... imagine how much more interesting life would be if while you were at the grocery store someone showed up with a travel cloak and said "We have to go in search of a dragon.".  Plus it would also allow me to pursue my dream job as a bard.

9. My dream job is to become a bard.  I have all the necessary skills but there's just no market for it.

10. The smell of banana oil instantly reminds me of Lord of the Flies... I don't know why, the book didn't smell like banana oil, the movie had no tanning oil in it... but when I get a whiff of the stuff all I can think about is a pig's head on a stick.

Top Ten Ways College is the Best-Worst

1. Small Campus
Best: No traffic, no line ups and all the buildings are really easy to find.
Worst: When you are late you have absolutely no excuse.

2. No Loitering

Best: For whatever reason at the university people feel the need to sit on the stairs.  There are benches at the top of the stairs and benches at the bottom of the stairs, people are crowded around trying to get by these other people who insist on sitting in the middle of a stair case.... WHY? But not at good old college, most people lived on campus or in town so there was little or no loitering in high traffic areas because everyone could go home between classes.
Worst: Later in the evening, campus stops feeling like a small town college and starts feeling like a horror film.

3. Livestock

Best: The number of cow related puns I made in two years at Olds College has got to be a record.
Worst: Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night to hear cows proclaiming every injustice ever done to beef in the form of loud and extended mooing. Also sometimes you got stuck behind a horse drawn wagon at Tim Hortons.

4. Ya Mama

Best: She loves you know matter what!
Worst:  Sometimes that love comes in the tough variety.

5. I was 18

Best: I believed anything was possible.  The world was a bucket of sunshine and puppies.
Worst: Every time something bad happened my reality was shattered, then I'd glue it all back together with my newfound realization... then life would hit it with a sledgehammer.

6. Deadlines and Lack Thereof

Best: If you miss an application date or an assignment is late most of the time you can catch a break.
Worst: When you are waiting for scholarship money or marks to be posted deadlines become more like guidelines.

7. Sharing
Best: You can bring cookies to class and share with everyone without having to bake 500 cookies.  You can organize snack days and with everyone living on campus there is always someone to lend anything you might need.
Worst: When one person gets the flu, the whole campus gets the flu... "We share, we share everything!"*

8. Labs

Best: There were so few of us in the lab we had a lot of freedom during the lab period.  It was a time of wonder and discovery.
Worst: Our labs never worked because we used outdated chemicals... also we didn't have a fume hood or proper waste disposable and sometimes there was soil on the benches when we came in... you could say they were soiled (haaaaa

9. The Cafeteria

Best: Lots of variety and it's all you can eat
Worst: They took the burger patties from a can... FROM A CAN!

Top Ten Ways C-3PO is Awesome

1. Being anxious is a survival trait.  I'd rather be alert and anxious than content and dead.
2. Having cool friends just means you get to hang out with cool people without trying to be cool… win-win.
3. Being articulate is awesome.  Stand in awe as I wield the English language and bend it to my will.
4. Nothing wrong with having a plethora of fun facts!
5. Having a shiny forehead is better than having a forehead covered in zits.
6. When push comes to shove he actually does help his friends…who are all cooler than him.
7. Nothing wrong with wanting people to get along.  #middlechild
8. C-3PO owns his uncoolness, it's called self-confidence
9. At least I didn't get Jabba the Hutt
10. At least I didn't get Jar Jar Binks

Top Ten Good Things That Come From Burning Your Hand With Acid

February 2, 2014

1. Nothing makes you look young like brand new skin
2. You can get people to do all your writing for you.
3. You get to buy all sorts of fun band-aids
4. Ya Mama... will feel bad for you and make you cookies
5. To prevent infection you probably shouldn't do the dishes
6. You know when you are walking and randomly drop what you're holding for no apparent reason… well now you have a reason and it's apparent.
7. I now have a reasonable excuse as to why I am incapable of snapping my fingers.
8. I have two fingers without discernible fingerprints therefore I can commit the perfect crime
9. No traction means I have eliminated any friction involved with tetris.... new high score here I come
10. I now have two hypersensitive finger tips which is basically a superpower

Top Ten Questions I Have About Public Blogs

June 13, 2013

10. Can I still point out how stupid some people are?

9. Am I allowed to complain/brag about my job?

8. Stranger danger?!?!

7. Do I have to cite my sources?

6. MLA or APA?

5. Is it weird to talk about my personal problems? Well actually I only have one problem and its name is Awkward

4. Ya Mama? Yes dear, ya mama.

3. Can I be committed based on what I post?

2. WHO ARE YOU?!?!?

1. Do people seriously have nothing better to do than read this? Please, please let someone have nothing better to do than read this.

Top Ten Things I Hated About Being A Summer Student

August 31, 2013

1. When someone assumes you are stupid because you are younger than they are.
2. Monday mornings
3. My office was in between the conference room and the copy room so people waltzed through my office every ten minutes. Also if people start yelling at each other in a private meeting I could hear every word
4. Ya Mama! Just kidding I could never hate ya mama.
5. The back storage room... imagine a really organized garage or attic... now imagine a tornado ripped through the room and blocked all the exits and made everything impossible to find.
6. The broken printer that beeped every five seconds... and sat right outside my office. I don’t know which was worse the beeping or the string of curse words that generally followed from the poor soul who was foolish enough to try and print something.
7. “Can you email this document out to these people?” Emails me document and list of email addresses...
8. “If there is an emergency call me on my cell” - doesn’t answer cell phone and voicemail box is full.
9. “If you aren’t busy can you do this?” Walks out before I can tell them I am, in fact, extremely busy.
10. “Can you fax this for me?” -Guy standing in front of the fax machine

Top Ten Highlights of My Summer Job

September 7, 2013

1. The Master Spreadsheet
2. Being kissed by a Macedonian...on the cheek (it was actually really strange and uncomfortable... honestly I will never get used to the European custom of cheek kissing.) *
3. Dancing with some guy from Denmark because I didn’t want to make him feel bad just because I can’t dance. And because when I said no for the 6th time he just took my hand and dragged me onto the dance floor. I took one for the team to prevent an international incident.* I realize this comes across a certain way but he was actually a complete gentleman and let me leave as soon as the song finished... coincidentally, he now believes me when I say I cannot dance.
4. Ya Mama... no seriously she always brought me coffee.
5. Picking up French people from the airport and actually having to speak French to them... and then failing miserably.*
6. Archiving old photos and documents for an anniversary piece
7. Eating copious amounts of Alberta Beef 
8. Sending secret mail to BD1 and waiting with giddy anticipation for her to receive it.
9. A lady from New Zealand giving me a kleenex package with a silver fern on it (New Zealand’s national symbol) and instructing me not to use them all up when they leave.
10. When the committee chair announced to 500 people that I was single and willing to move overseas.... and then had no takers.* #foreveralone

*Sarcasm

Top Ten Symptoms of the Champsosaur Effect

September 7, 2013

During these high stress days I stumbled upon what I like to call the Champsosaur effect. If you have or have had any of the following symptoms you may be suffering from the Champsosaur effect:

1. High stress levels
2. Reusing the same joke over and over and over and over and over again
3. You feel the need to steal fossils from a post secondary institution and place them on your desk (eg. a huge Champsosaur fossil and when your brilliant yet underpaid summer student asks you why, you say “It’s a conversation piece”)
4. I am not going to say “Ya Mama” because thats how serious the Champsosaur effect is...
5. You feel the need to get something done as inefficiently and as expensively as possible
6. You needlessly scream at people about things that really don’t matter (e.g. The placement of a lectern)
7. You start using words like “lectern”
8. The need to use obnoxious ringtones, hazard lights and various catchphrases to announce your presence
9. The overwhelming sensation that you are right about everything ever
10. General acts of douche baggery

If you or someone you love is suffering from the Champsosaur Effect please call 1-800-4-A-CHAMP and someone will be along to give you a swift kick in the pants and a large dose of reality.

Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate

September 24, 2013

1. When you first meet your roommate say "So tell me about your medical history"
2. Buy 3 or 4 of the same shirt and wear one everyday
3. Put your shampoo into a condiment bottle (ex. mustard)
4. Ya Mama... seriously it'd be weird if you brought her to live with you on campus
5. Ask them to keep track of how many sheets of toilet paper they use so you can split the cost fairly.
6. Take care of an imaginary cat, apologize for all the cat hair and leave a food dish out (empty it when you roomie is out for maximum effect)
7. Burst into fits of hysterical laughter while by yourself
8. On your side of the cupboard leave a hammer, a cutting board and a can of spam
9. Write "I'm watching you" on the bathroom mirror with something fairly translucent (lip balm works really well) so that it's not noticeable right away.
10. Sleep in the shower and then when your roomies gets up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and you are standing there like a flipping vampire (if you have a tuxedo and a cape you should wear that instead of your jammies) just casually say "What are you doing in my room?"

Top Five Things People Didn’t Tell Me About Winnipeg

October 3, 2013

1. There are all these towns with French names but if you pronounce them with a french accent people will look at you like you just murdered a puppy.  All the signs are bilingual and yet one mustn’t sound french. Say quoi?

2. There is goose feces EVERYWHERE, what is the goose population 17 times the national average or something.

3. Someone planned Winnipeg by letting their kid scribble all over a map which is why the intersections are all at strange angles with 5 roads converging on a single intersection.

4. Ya Mama

5. The Heat:  
     

       “Winnipeg is so cold”
       “Have fun in Winterpeg”
       “Make sure you bring a ton of warm clothing”

Why didn’t somebody say “Hey bring shorts and some sunscreen because in the summer it feels a lot like walking on the surface of the sun” I stepped out of my vehicle to a humid 35 degrees my first day in Winnipeg and  thought someone had launched a nuclear strike on Manitoba

Top Ten Reasons I Don't Write About Basketball

October 7, 2013

1.You don’t know me like that

2.  When things are going badly I sound pathetic

“Poor me, I suck merh merh merh excuses merh merh tired merh merh merh”

3.When things are going well I sound like I am bragging:

“I am the best player in the world, I could be the next Michael Jordan, I scored all the points in existence”

4. Ya Mama

5. I’d feel obligated to explain any basketball jargon and it would bog down my posts.  The sports enthusiasts would feel like I was being condescending and everyone else would just be bored.

6. The majority of my posts are dedicated to pointing out the stupid things people say and I am pretty sure my teammates would not appreciate me making fun of them on the internet... I mean... my teammates never say stupid things.. ever.

7. I take basketball really seriously and sometimes intensity comes across as crazy and I really can’t afford to be committed (again).

8.Unless I am talking about the time I dunked it (fisher price net for the win) does anyone really care about what I do on the basketball court

9.The people who want to hear about basketball ask about basketball

10. Basketball is more of a visual discussion topic

Top Ten Actions People Should Be Heckled For

December 18, 2013

1. Asking someone a googleable question... in this case I am referred to students who waste everybody’s time by asking a prof a question that can be answered by the glossary in the back of the text book or by looking at a map of campus... get yourself together

2. Heckling someone for an invalid reason like their poor fashion sense or their political stance or the fact that they prefer yogurt covered raisins over glossettes.  With great power comes great responsibility and if you aren’t going to be responsible well then the heckler shall himself be heckled.

3. Bringing kleenex with you and then sitting there and sniffing like you’ve got a cocaine addiction... disgusting

4.Ya Mama can heckle you whenever she wants, the perks of giving birth.

5. People who complain about their body type but don’t exercise or eat properly...  There are lots of people genuinely struggling and you are making a mockery of that because you don’t really want to be healthier you want to get a few compliments and feel better.

6. People who smoke too close to the door... I know I am beating a dead horse here but  I just think it is so inconsiderate, not just because I am asthmatic but because people coming in and out of buildings should be able to choose whether or not they inhale second hand smoke.  Especially at places like walmart where people are coming in and out with kids, studies have proven that especially in younger children second hand smoke can cause asthma, susceptibility to bronchitis and pneumonia.  And the truth is smoking away from the door shouldn’t need to be enforced, nobody should have to put signs up because in my opinion it should be a common courtesy.

7.Posting drama on your facebook... Take a moment to think about how fun this would be:

Status: Another depressing night, guess I am doomed to be alone forever
Comment: Have you considered I don’t know... going out into the world instead of whining on facebook?

Status: I’m freeeeeee, so glad to be single and moved on
Comment: If you’ve moved on why are you wasting your time posting about it?

Status: I am so tired of all your drama.... why don’t you grow up?
Comment: Who are you talking to?
Comment: Why don’t you grow up?
Comment: Sweetheart you might not know this but nobody really cares...
Comment: Can I send you a diary?

8.Failure to wash your hands after using a public restroom (I still see this every once and awhile and it makes my skin crawl)... yeah I see you avoiding eye contact.  It wouldn’t happen as often if I could yell “You know urine is only sterile as long as it stays in your bladder right?”

9. When a group of people are deciding where to eat and someone says “I don’t care you choose” and then proceeds to shoot down every suggestion... If the first time this ever happened that person was mercilessly heckled it would have saved a lot of time and friendships.

10.Referring to roman numeral one as “eye”... This bothers me because they know it’s a one because they say “eye”, “eye eye” and then “three” because “eye eye eye” sounds stupid?  When profs do this I just want to stand up and yell “What am I paying you for?!?”

My Top Ten Irrational Fears Rationalized

May 20, 2013

1. Unscripted speeches/conversations with important people:

I can't even carry on a normal conversation and you want me to wing it?  This includes job interviews, you wouldn't want someone throwing a project together at the last minute so why wouldn't send me the questions in advance? I know why... you think it's funny don't you?

2.Horses:

I don't like them, how is it that something strong enough to trample you to death can be spooked so easily?

3. Getting cut from the basketball team:

A couple times a week I have a nightmare that I get cut.  Sometimes I do something stupid that I would never do in real life, sometimes I get cut for no apparent reason, and sometimes I get cut for something ridiculous like wearing blue shorts to practice.  In any case, this fear is not irrational because I play a competitive sport that means I always need to be working as hard as I can.  Maybe it's just my subconscious motivating me.

4.Ya Mama:

It's that disapproving look she gives me... sends chills down my spine.

5.Scary/Suspenseful Movies:

Now this isn't really a true fear, I just get so uncomfortable I can't stand it anymore (or maybe that is fear?).  I make up excuses to get up and leave during intense parts of a movie like "I have to go to the bathroom, no it's ok don't pause it".  I watch movies to relax so why would I want to give myself a heart attack? I get a kick out of making spreadsheets, so I obviously don't need an adrenaline rush from watching [insert eerily mysterious title here].

6. Leaving the door unlocked:

It doesn't matter if I am leaving for five hours or five seconds.  If there is anything criminal minds has taught me, it's that the second you let your guard down you're as good as dead.  Do I sometimes get up in the middle of the night and double check that the doors are locked? Sure I do.  Do I sometimes check the door more than once in the morning when I leave for work? Absolutely.  But really what is the harm in locking my door, I protect my valuables, deter miscreants and provide peace of mind in the event my house starts making weird noises at night.

7. Being Late:

Again I don't know if anyone would classify this as a true fear but it plagues my mind constantly. But there are consequences when you are late (not every time but being late once in awhile can often lead to habitual lateness).  So really I'm just considering the consequences of my actions that's not irrational that's just good ol' fashioned responsible.

8.Salmonella:

Even though dough or eggs can be mostly cooked I won't eat it if there is the slightest indication it's not completely cooked.  When I make omelettes in the microwave once they're cooked I put them in for another two minutes.  But why take an unnecessary risk?   Need I remind you salmonella will give you diarrhoea and abdominal cramps.  Pass.

9. Being crushed under a bar at the gym:

This is really actually bringing the bar anywhere near my throat.  Cleans and benchpress are the two things I refuse to do without at the very least a spotter.  Front squats are completely out of the question and I'll tell you why.  Every instinct I have tells me that putting a bunch of weight onto a metal pole and then bringing it near my throat is just asking for trouble

10.Oompa Loompas:

They are coming.  They are tired of being oppressed and the lack of autonomy has made them into little raging orange ninjas.

Top Ten Troubleshooting Tips (For Computer Sciences)

May 20, 2013

1.Turn the computer on.

2.Add a comma

3.Add a colon

4.Ask ya mama for help

5.Backspace over the comma and type a new one

6.Watch every episode of the IT crowd... then actually open your textbook

7.Ask Dr.Google Ph.D

8.Add another comma

9.Pay a smart kid in the class to "help" you (write your code for you)

10.Go to the genius bar and start crying (the reason they wear brightly coloured shirts is to attract the hopelessly lost, the lighthouses of the tech community if you will)

Top Ten Additions to Stupid Quote Memes on Facebook

April 9th, 2013

1."Don't change just so people will like you"... change so you are less of an imbecile.

2."Do one thing a day that scares you,"... your heart is a muscle and you've got to stress it now and again.

3."Never grow up"... but if you do grow up (and biology says you will), be sure to become jaded and cynical so everyone knows how much it sucks.

4. "Ya Mama" I have nothing to add because this is hilarious.  Every.Single.Time

5."You are beautiful just the way you are"..... you know in a Picasso sort of way.

6."Friends are like stars, you can't always see them but you know they are there"... hot and gassy until they collapse on themselves.

7."Remember when we used to be really good friends? I miss that."... Not because I like you anymore (which is why we aren't friends you pretentious doof) but because you always had peppermint gum which is totally my fav.

8."When things are tough, don't give up!"... But when you are twenty, still living with your parents, asthmatic with seasonal allergies, you could wear sweat pants every day of the week, you can't go outside without a scarf and sometimes the stairs tire you out... things are no longer tough, just sad.  Give up.

9."Motivation comes from within, if someone else tries to light a fire under you chances are it won't burn for long.".... unless they douse you in gasoline, then you'll light up like a Christmas tree in December.

10."Strong is the new beautiful"... brought to you by your local steroid provider.

Bonus: 
"Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm not hurting."  Because constipation effects us all at one point or another. 

Top Ten "Said No One Ever"

March 20, 2013

10."That stain on your shirt just makes it look vintage"

                                             -said no one ever

9."Skinny jeans are actually super masculin"

                  -said no one ever

8."Thanks! I wanted to know you needed to pee"

                            -said no one ever

7."That polo shirt makes you look so tough"

             -said no one ever

6."Pictures that are extreme close-ups of a random item? Really artistic"

                                                                                      -said no one ever

5."Thanks for the facebook post about your ex... made my day"

                                                     -said no one ever

4."Ya Mama!"

               -said everyone ever

3. "I love how tasteful and mature youtube comments are"

                                                                                -said no one ever

2."Walking around the track is a SERIOUS workout"

                                                                   -said no one ever

1."Curling? Totally a sport"

                                  -said no one ever

Top Ten Songs on the Asthmatic Playlist

September 17, 2012

10. "Breathe, breathe in the air" -Pink Floyd... Oh here I thought I was supposed to be breathing in water, thank you for this incredibly helpful advice.

9. "Take my breath away!" Berlin... You are telling me you are complaining about being able to breathe.  Someone SHOULD take your breath away just so you know what it feels like and once they do good luck asking for it back!

8."Now I'm breathing in, breathing out, I'm alive again!" -Matt Mahr... There's no need to brag Matt, you know what I'm doing? Wheezing in, wheezing out, I need my ventolin again!

7."I can't breathe" -Adele... You can't breathe because you smoke! Next time read the box you are pulling your cancer stick out of.

6."I've got no fear of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work." -Jars of Clay... Finally someone understands me.

5. "Everybody's in the zone, playing games like prednisone" -Ron Carroll... Prednisone makes me feel a lot of things: hungry, emotional, hungry, nauseous, hungry. Not one single time have I ever felt in "the zone" while taking prednisone.

4.Ya Mama

3."My world revolves around you. It's so hard for me to breathe" Jordin Sparks.  Yeah I feel that way about my inhaler too!

2. "I want to, I want to, I want to breathe" -TFK... Listen buddy if you are able to sing about breathing then you are doing just fine.  I can't get more than one syllable out at a time.

1."Breathe, Just Breathe" -Anna Nalick... Well thank you Anna, I have never considered that as an option before now, no wonder I feel dizzy and disoriented. If it were that easy don't you think I would be doing it.... ya jerk! <--- I am pretty hostile when I am sick.

Top Ten Best Worst Halloween Costumes

Novermber 1, 2012

1. "Sleepwalker"  Congrats you found a way to wear pjs in public.  Points for functionality.  Zero Creativity.  Best worsted.

2. Skin tight anything.  Not because it's revealing or immodest, it comes down to function. Back in the day the rule was if you couldn't fit your snow pants under your costumes, it was a no go.  Zero functionality. 67% chance of hypothermia.

3.Ghost (bed sheet) supposedly classic, never seen it.

4. Ya Mama

5. Some obscure character from something no one has never seen.  Don't get upset when I ask who you are just because you wanted to be unique.

6. Two Person Costumes.  Four words: never a good idea.  I know you want to be a horse or sand worm for Halloween like soooo bad.  Just remember someone has to be the butt... of every joke. (You are welcome)

7. Anything with masks.  I'm sorry you thought I was going to give gold star to sweating underneath a rubber mask that muffles your speech and the eye holes are too close together.  Don't act so shocked.

8. Group costume theme. Best: Makes you look super legit.  Worst: There is always one character no one wants to be.

9. Zombie costumes, the realistic ones make me nauseous and the other ones are just lame... No happy medium.  Rotting flesh is rotting flesh.

10. People who don't dress up and then say "I'm going as a girl that looks like me".  I admire you for not conforming, then you sold out hardcore so now you are just a lazy loser (say that ten times fast)

Top Ten Dumb Things People Do When Winter Driving

November 1, 2012

1.Driving too fast.  Hey genius see how the road is all shiny, well it's not fairy dust it's ice.  Equally as mesmerizing but four-and-a-half times more deadly.

2. Driving too slow.  Listen dear, I know it's scary but I promise if you take your foot off the brake for a second you'll be fine.  It's nothing personal but you are doing 2km in a 60 zone and if I wanted to go this slowly I would have taken a unicycle.

3. Keeping your lights covered with snow.  It is not a game when you change lanes and no one knows what you are doing.  You are not going to trick me but I might hit you.  It takes 2 seconds to wipe the snow off your lights.

4.Ya Mama

5. Arrogant All-Wheelers.  I realize you have all wheel drive, winter tires, chains, flares and a roll cage.  Some of us don't have the luxury of driving around a small apartment complex so when you go speeding past me covering my windshield with a mask of white death, not only does my life flash before my eyes but it also makes me a little cranky.

6. Just because the snow is covering the lines in the parking lot does not mean you can park your car at an 87 degree angle and leave it.  See all the other cars, how they are parked in neat rows? Magical isn't it? It's like there are some sort societal rules regarding how to leave your vehicle.

7.Following too closely. Ok it's just a touch icy out and you are riding my bumper.  Oh I see how it is, if you go down I'm coming with you.

8.  People who don't brush their cars and the snow from the top of their car comes flying off.  (See #5)

9. People who try to drift around corners because they think they are being cool.  You are not in fast and furious and you are going to end up hitting something or worse someone.  Drifting by definition is out of control.

10.  People who don't scrape their windshields.  Yes I see you, leering awkwardly over your steering wheel because  your windshield has only defrosted a dime sized window.  I am not saying it has to be pristine, but come on, show a little pride. Or show more laziness and leave your car running longer.