Top Ten Questions I Have About Public Blogs

June 13, 2013

10. Can I still point out how stupid some people are?

9. Am I allowed to complain/brag about my job?

8. Stranger danger?!?!

7. Do I have to cite my sources?

6. MLA or APA?

5. Is it weird to talk about my personal problems? Well actually I only have one problem and its name is Awkward

4. Ya Mama? Yes dear, ya mama.

3. Can I be committed based on what I post?

2. WHO ARE YOU?!?!?

1. Do people seriously have nothing better to do than read this? Please, please let someone have nothing better to do than read this.

Top Ten Things I Hated About Being A Summer Student

August 31, 2013

1. When someone assumes you are stupid because you are younger than they are.
2. Monday mornings
3. My office was in between the conference room and the copy room so people waltzed through my office every ten minutes. Also if people start yelling at each other in a private meeting I could hear every word
4. Ya Mama! Just kidding I could never hate ya mama.
5. The back storage room... imagine a really organized garage or attic... now imagine a tornado ripped through the room and blocked all the exits and made everything impossible to find.
6. The broken printer that beeped every five seconds... and sat right outside my office. I don’t know which was worse the beeping or the string of curse words that generally followed from the poor soul who was foolish enough to try and print something.
7. “Can you email this document out to these people?” Emails me document and list of email addresses...
8. “If there is an emergency call me on my cell” - doesn’t answer cell phone and voicemail box is full.
9. “If you aren’t busy can you do this?” Walks out before I can tell them I am, in fact, extremely busy.
10. “Can you fax this for me?” -Guy standing in front of the fax machine

Top Ten Highlights of My Summer Job

September 7, 2013

1. The Master Spreadsheet
2. Being kissed by a Macedonian...on the cheek (it was actually really strange and uncomfortable... honestly I will never get used to the European custom of cheek kissing.) *
3. Dancing with some guy from Denmark because I didn’t want to make him feel bad just because I can’t dance. And because when I said no for the 6th time he just took my hand and dragged me onto the dance floor. I took one for the team to prevent an international incident.* I realize this comes across a certain way but he was actually a complete gentleman and let me leave as soon as the song finished... coincidentally, he now believes me when I say I cannot dance.
4. Ya Mama... no seriously she always brought me coffee.
5. Picking up French people from the airport and actually having to speak French to them... and then failing miserably.*
6. Archiving old photos and documents for an anniversary piece
7. Eating copious amounts of Alberta Beef 
8. Sending secret mail to BD1 and waiting with giddy anticipation for her to receive it.
9. A lady from New Zealand giving me a kleenex package with a silver fern on it (New Zealand’s national symbol) and instructing me not to use them all up when they leave.
10. When the committee chair announced to 500 people that I was single and willing to move overseas.... and then had no takers.* #foreveralone

*Sarcasm

Top Ten Symptoms of the Champsosaur Effect

September 7, 2013

During these high stress days I stumbled upon what I like to call the Champsosaur effect. If you have or have had any of the following symptoms you may be suffering from the Champsosaur effect:

1. High stress levels
2. Reusing the same joke over and over and over and over and over again
3. You feel the need to steal fossils from a post secondary institution and place them on your desk (eg. a huge Champsosaur fossil and when your brilliant yet underpaid summer student asks you why, you say “It’s a conversation piece”)
4. I am not going to say “Ya Mama” because thats how serious the Champsosaur effect is...
5. You feel the need to get something done as inefficiently and as expensively as possible
6. You needlessly scream at people about things that really don’t matter (e.g. The placement of a lectern)
7. You start using words like “lectern”
8. The need to use obnoxious ringtones, hazard lights and various catchphrases to announce your presence
9. The overwhelming sensation that you are right about everything ever
10. General acts of douche baggery

If you or someone you love is suffering from the Champsosaur Effect please call 1-800-4-A-CHAMP and someone will be along to give you a swift kick in the pants and a large dose of reality.

Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate

September 24, 2013

1. When you first meet your roommate say "So tell me about your medical history"
2. Buy 3 or 4 of the same shirt and wear one everyday
3. Put your shampoo into a condiment bottle (ex. mustard)
4. Ya Mama... seriously it'd be weird if you brought her to live with you on campus
5. Ask them to keep track of how many sheets of toilet paper they use so you can split the cost fairly.
6. Take care of an imaginary cat, apologize for all the cat hair and leave a food dish out (empty it when you roomie is out for maximum effect)
7. Burst into fits of hysterical laughter while by yourself
8. On your side of the cupboard leave a hammer, a cutting board and a can of spam
9. Write "I'm watching you" on the bathroom mirror with something fairly translucent (lip balm works really well) so that it's not noticeable right away.
10. Sleep in the shower and then when your roomies gets up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and you are standing there like a flipping vampire (if you have a tuxedo and a cape you should wear that instead of your jammies) just casually say "What are you doing in my room?"

Top Five Things People Didn’t Tell Me About Winnipeg

October 3, 2013

1. There are all these towns with French names but if you pronounce them with a french accent people will look at you like you just murdered a puppy.  All the signs are bilingual and yet one mustn’t sound french. Say quoi?

2. There is goose feces EVERYWHERE, what is the goose population 17 times the national average or something.

3. Someone planned Winnipeg by letting their kid scribble all over a map which is why the intersections are all at strange angles with 5 roads converging on a single intersection.

4. Ya Mama

5. The Heat:  
     

       “Winnipeg is so cold”
       “Have fun in Winterpeg”
       “Make sure you bring a ton of warm clothing”

Why didn’t somebody say “Hey bring shorts and some sunscreen because in the summer it feels a lot like walking on the surface of the sun” I stepped out of my vehicle to a humid 35 degrees my first day in Winnipeg and  thought someone had launched a nuclear strike on Manitoba

Top Ten Reasons I Don't Write About Basketball

October 7, 2013

1.You don’t know me like that

2.  When things are going badly I sound pathetic

“Poor me, I suck merh merh merh excuses merh merh tired merh merh merh”

3.When things are going well I sound like I am bragging:

“I am the best player in the world, I could be the next Michael Jordan, I scored all the points in existence”

4. Ya Mama

5. I’d feel obligated to explain any basketball jargon and it would bog down my posts.  The sports enthusiasts would feel like I was being condescending and everyone else would just be bored.

6. The majority of my posts are dedicated to pointing out the stupid things people say and I am pretty sure my teammates would not appreciate me making fun of them on the internet... I mean... my teammates never say stupid things.. ever.

7. I take basketball really seriously and sometimes intensity comes across as crazy and I really can’t afford to be committed (again).

8.Unless I am talking about the time I dunked it (fisher price net for the win) does anyone really care about what I do on the basketball court

9.The people who want to hear about basketball ask about basketball

10. Basketball is more of a visual discussion topic

Top Ten Actions People Should Be Heckled For

December 18, 2013

1. Asking someone a googleable question... in this case I am referred to students who waste everybody’s time by asking a prof a question that can be answered by the glossary in the back of the text book or by looking at a map of campus... get yourself together

2. Heckling someone for an invalid reason like their poor fashion sense or their political stance or the fact that they prefer yogurt covered raisins over glossettes.  With great power comes great responsibility and if you aren’t going to be responsible well then the heckler shall himself be heckled.

3. Bringing kleenex with you and then sitting there and sniffing like you’ve got a cocaine addiction... disgusting

4.Ya Mama can heckle you whenever she wants, the perks of giving birth.

5. People who complain about their body type but don’t exercise or eat properly...  There are lots of people genuinely struggling and you are making a mockery of that because you don’t really want to be healthier you want to get a few compliments and feel better.

6. People who smoke too close to the door... I know I am beating a dead horse here but  I just think it is so inconsiderate, not just because I am asthmatic but because people coming in and out of buildings should be able to choose whether or not they inhale second hand smoke.  Especially at places like walmart where people are coming in and out with kids, studies have proven that especially in younger children second hand smoke can cause asthma, susceptibility to bronchitis and pneumonia.  And the truth is smoking away from the door shouldn’t need to be enforced, nobody should have to put signs up because in my opinion it should be a common courtesy.

7.Posting drama on your facebook... Take a moment to think about how fun this would be:

Status: Another depressing night, guess I am doomed to be alone forever
Comment: Have you considered I don’t know... going out into the world instead of whining on facebook?

Status: I’m freeeeeee, so glad to be single and moved on
Comment: If you’ve moved on why are you wasting your time posting about it?

Status: I am so tired of all your drama.... why don’t you grow up?
Comment: Who are you talking to?
Comment: Why don’t you grow up?
Comment: Sweetheart you might not know this but nobody really cares...
Comment: Can I send you a diary?

8.Failure to wash your hands after using a public restroom (I still see this every once and awhile and it makes my skin crawl)... yeah I see you avoiding eye contact.  It wouldn’t happen as often if I could yell “You know urine is only sterile as long as it stays in your bladder right?”

9. When a group of people are deciding where to eat and someone says “I don’t care you choose” and then proceeds to shoot down every suggestion... If the first time this ever happened that person was mercilessly heckled it would have saved a lot of time and friendships.

10.Referring to roman numeral one as “eye”... This bothers me because they know it’s a one because they say “eye”, “eye eye” and then “three” because “eye eye eye” sounds stupid?  When profs do this I just want to stand up and yell “What am I paying you for?!?”

My Top Ten Irrational Fears Rationalized

May 20, 2013

1. Unscripted speeches/conversations with important people:

I can't even carry on a normal conversation and you want me to wing it?  This includes job interviews, you wouldn't want someone throwing a project together at the last minute so why wouldn't send me the questions in advance? I know why... you think it's funny don't you?

2.Horses:

I don't like them, how is it that something strong enough to trample you to death can be spooked so easily?

3. Getting cut from the basketball team:

A couple times a week I have a nightmare that I get cut.  Sometimes I do something stupid that I would never do in real life, sometimes I get cut for no apparent reason, and sometimes I get cut for something ridiculous like wearing blue shorts to practice.  In any case, this fear is not irrational because I play a competitive sport that means I always need to be working as hard as I can.  Maybe it's just my subconscious motivating me.

4.Ya Mama:

It's that disapproving look she gives me... sends chills down my spine.

5.Scary/Suspenseful Movies:

Now this isn't really a true fear, I just get so uncomfortable I can't stand it anymore (or maybe that is fear?).  I make up excuses to get up and leave during intense parts of a movie like "I have to go to the bathroom, no it's ok don't pause it".  I watch movies to relax so why would I want to give myself a heart attack? I get a kick out of making spreadsheets, so I obviously don't need an adrenaline rush from watching [insert eerily mysterious title here].

6. Leaving the door unlocked:

It doesn't matter if I am leaving for five hours or five seconds.  If there is anything criminal minds has taught me, it's that the second you let your guard down you're as good as dead.  Do I sometimes get up in the middle of the night and double check that the doors are locked? Sure I do.  Do I sometimes check the door more than once in the morning when I leave for work? Absolutely.  But really what is the harm in locking my door, I protect my valuables, deter miscreants and provide peace of mind in the event my house starts making weird noises at night.

7. Being Late:

Again I don't know if anyone would classify this as a true fear but it plagues my mind constantly. But there are consequences when you are late (not every time but being late once in awhile can often lead to habitual lateness).  So really I'm just considering the consequences of my actions that's not irrational that's just good ol' fashioned responsible.

8.Salmonella:

Even though dough or eggs can be mostly cooked I won't eat it if there is the slightest indication it's not completely cooked.  When I make omelettes in the microwave once they're cooked I put them in for another two minutes.  But why take an unnecessary risk?   Need I remind you salmonella will give you diarrhoea and abdominal cramps.  Pass.

9. Being crushed under a bar at the gym:

This is really actually bringing the bar anywhere near my throat.  Cleans and benchpress are the two things I refuse to do without at the very least a spotter.  Front squats are completely out of the question and I'll tell you why.  Every instinct I have tells me that putting a bunch of weight onto a metal pole and then bringing it near my throat is just asking for trouble

10.Oompa Loompas:

They are coming.  They are tired of being oppressed and the lack of autonomy has made them into little raging orange ninjas.

Top Ten Troubleshooting Tips (For Computer Sciences)

May 20, 2013

1.Turn the computer on.

2.Add a comma

3.Add a colon

4.Ask ya mama for help

5.Backspace over the comma and type a new one

6.Watch every episode of the IT crowd... then actually open your textbook

7.Ask Dr.Google Ph.D

8.Add another comma

9.Pay a smart kid in the class to "help" you (write your code for you)

10.Go to the genius bar and start crying (the reason they wear brightly coloured shirts is to attract the hopelessly lost, the lighthouses of the tech community if you will)

Top Ten Additions to Stupid Quote Memes on Facebook

April 9th, 2013

1."Don't change just so people will like you"... change so you are less of an imbecile.

2."Do one thing a day that scares you,"... your heart is a muscle and you've got to stress it now and again.

3."Never grow up"... but if you do grow up (and biology says you will), be sure to become jaded and cynical so everyone knows how much it sucks.

4. "Ya Mama" I have nothing to add because this is hilarious.  Every.Single.Time

5."You are beautiful just the way you are"..... you know in a Picasso sort of way.

6."Friends are like stars, you can't always see them but you know they are there"... hot and gassy until they collapse on themselves.

7."Remember when we used to be really good friends? I miss that."... Not because I like you anymore (which is why we aren't friends you pretentious doof) but because you always had peppermint gum which is totally my fav.

8."When things are tough, don't give up!"... But when you are twenty, still living with your parents, asthmatic with seasonal allergies, you could wear sweat pants every day of the week, you can't go outside without a scarf and sometimes the stairs tire you out... things are no longer tough, just sad.  Give up.

9."Motivation comes from within, if someone else tries to light a fire under you chances are it won't burn for long.".... unless they douse you in gasoline, then you'll light up like a Christmas tree in December.

10."Strong is the new beautiful"... brought to you by your local steroid provider.

Bonus: 
"Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm not hurting."  Because constipation effects us all at one point or another. 

Top Ten "Said No One Ever"

March 20, 2013

10."That stain on your shirt just makes it look vintage"

                                             -said no one ever

9."Skinny jeans are actually super masculin"

                  -said no one ever

8."Thanks! I wanted to know you needed to pee"

                            -said no one ever

7."That polo shirt makes you look so tough"

             -said no one ever

6."Pictures that are extreme close-ups of a random item? Really artistic"

                                                                                      -said no one ever

5."Thanks for the facebook post about your ex... made my day"

                                                     -said no one ever

4."Ya Mama!"

               -said everyone ever

3. "I love how tasteful and mature youtube comments are"

                                                                                -said no one ever

2."Walking around the track is a SERIOUS workout"

                                                                   -said no one ever

1."Curling? Totally a sport"

                                  -said no one ever

Top Ten Songs on the Asthmatic Playlist

September 17, 2012

10. "Breathe, breathe in the air" -Pink Floyd... Oh here I thought I was supposed to be breathing in water, thank you for this incredibly helpful advice.

9. "Take my breath away!" Berlin... You are telling me you are complaining about being able to breathe.  Someone SHOULD take your breath away just so you know what it feels like and once they do good luck asking for it back!

8."Now I'm breathing in, breathing out, I'm alive again!" -Matt Mahr... There's no need to brag Matt, you know what I'm doing? Wheezing in, wheezing out, I need my ventolin again!

7."I can't breathe" -Adele... You can't breathe because you smoke! Next time read the box you are pulling your cancer stick out of.

6."I've got no fear of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work." -Jars of Clay... Finally someone understands me.

5. "Everybody's in the zone, playing games like prednisone" -Ron Carroll... Prednisone makes me feel a lot of things: hungry, emotional, hungry, nauseous, hungry. Not one single time have I ever felt in "the zone" while taking prednisone.

4.Ya Mama

3."My world revolves around you. It's so hard for me to breathe" Jordin Sparks.  Yeah I feel that way about my inhaler too!

2. "I want to, I want to, I want to breathe" -TFK... Listen buddy if you are able to sing about breathing then you are doing just fine.  I can't get more than one syllable out at a time.

1."Breathe, Just Breathe" -Anna Nalick... Well thank you Anna, I have never considered that as an option before now, no wonder I feel dizzy and disoriented. If it were that easy don't you think I would be doing it.... ya jerk! <--- I am pretty hostile when I am sick.

Top Ten Best Worst Halloween Costumes

Novermber 1, 2012

1. "Sleepwalker"  Congrats you found a way to wear pjs in public.  Points for functionality.  Zero Creativity.  Best worsted.

2. Skin tight anything.  Not because it's revealing or immodest, it comes down to function. Back in the day the rule was if you couldn't fit your snow pants under your costumes, it was a no go.  Zero functionality. 67% chance of hypothermia.

3.Ghost (bed sheet) supposedly classic, never seen it.

4. Ya Mama

5. Some obscure character from something no one has never seen.  Don't get upset when I ask who you are just because you wanted to be unique.

6. Two Person Costumes.  Four words: never a good idea.  I know you want to be a horse or sand worm for Halloween like soooo bad.  Just remember someone has to be the butt... of every joke. (You are welcome)

7. Anything with masks.  I'm sorry you thought I was going to give gold star to sweating underneath a rubber mask that muffles your speech and the eye holes are too close together.  Don't act so shocked.

8. Group costume theme. Best: Makes you look super legit.  Worst: There is always one character no one wants to be.

9. Zombie costumes, the realistic ones make me nauseous and the other ones are just lame... No happy medium.  Rotting flesh is rotting flesh.

10. People who don't dress up and then say "I'm going as a girl that looks like me".  I admire you for not conforming, then you sold out hardcore so now you are just a lazy loser (say that ten times fast)

Top Ten Dumb Things People Do When Winter Driving

November 1, 2012

1.Driving too fast.  Hey genius see how the road is all shiny, well it's not fairy dust it's ice.  Equally as mesmerizing but four-and-a-half times more deadly.

2. Driving too slow.  Listen dear, I know it's scary but I promise if you take your foot off the brake for a second you'll be fine.  It's nothing personal but you are doing 2km in a 60 zone and if I wanted to go this slowly I would have taken a unicycle.

3. Keeping your lights covered with snow.  It is not a game when you change lanes and no one knows what you are doing.  You are not going to trick me but I might hit you.  It takes 2 seconds to wipe the snow off your lights.

4.Ya Mama

5. Arrogant All-Wheelers.  I realize you have all wheel drive, winter tires, chains, flares and a roll cage.  Some of us don't have the luxury of driving around a small apartment complex so when you go speeding past me covering my windshield with a mask of white death, not only does my life flash before my eyes but it also makes me a little cranky.

6. Just because the snow is covering the lines in the parking lot does not mean you can park your car at an 87 degree angle and leave it.  See all the other cars, how they are parked in neat rows? Magical isn't it? It's like there are some sort societal rules regarding how to leave your vehicle.

7.Following too closely. Ok it's just a touch icy out and you are riding my bumper.  Oh I see how it is, if you go down I'm coming with you.

8.  People who don't brush their cars and the snow from the top of their car comes flying off.  (See #5)

9. People who try to drift around corners because they think they are being cool.  You are not in fast and furious and you are going to end up hitting something or worse someone.  Drifting by definition is out of control.

10.  People who don't scrape their windshields.  Yes I see you, leering awkwardly over your steering wheel because  your windshield has only defrosted a dime sized window.  I am not saying it has to be pristine, but come on, show a little pride. Or show more laziness and leave your car running longer.

Top Ten Ways You Know You Won't Accomplish Your New Year's Resolution

December 4, 2012

10.You still haven't accomplished last year's resolution

9.You are more of a goal setter  and less of a go getter

8.Your resolution has anything to do with the lottery

7.Your resolution has anything to do with reading more

6.You are reading this while you have something more important to do

5.You feel that deadlines are more like guide lines

4.Ya Mama

3.You think by posting it on your facebook you create accountability

2.Sometimes you fall asleep vowing that you'll get up tomorrow and workout, eat healthier and put on makeup.

1.You have made the same resolution every year with no success

If you really want to accomplish your New Year's Resolution here is my advice:

1.Set the bar really low: you can always make another goal once you've reached this one... let's just focus and reaching a goal.

 Example: This year I will limit myself to 12 snacks a day. <---- Once you have 12 down, go 11.  But let's not get crazy.

2.Don't be stupid: Obviously you are not going to become a rockstar or slam poet this year unless you've actually put in work.

 Bad Example: This year I want to discover an alien colony and befriend them. <--- Do you even own a telescope?  An alien colony would kill and eat you, no hesitation.

3.Be really vague: This one is for people who want to feel good about themselves and like they've accomplished something without changing anything whatsoever.  

 Example: This year I want to cherish people more. <--- this is good because there is no way to actually measure how cherishy you are.  You feel good, you don't change a thing.

Top Ten Tips for Test Taking

December 9, 2012

1. Bring a sweater.  Ever try to start a car when it's too cold? Your brain works the same way.

2. Sleep the night before.  Falling asleep in an exam is embarrassing and will not help your chances.

3. Don't eat too much. Overeating right before an exam could have the same result as #2

4. Ya Mama

5. If you don't know the exact answer write down what you do know.  This will give your prof the opportunity to give you part marks AND depending on how off track you are pity you for the remainder of the exam and mark it easier.

 ex. Q: Find the inverse of A

       A: Ducks are indigenous to both eastern and western Canada

 Prof thinks "Well I'll give you 1/3 because I like ducks"

6. Circle important details in the question. This forces you to slow down and read the question properly.  Also it makes it look like you know what's up when the prof marks it.

7. Do NOT write question marks beside questions, star it and come back.  A question mark is like a bat signal for how dumb you are.  It tells the prof you are crawling in the dark and don't have the answer (again if you got that bravo).

 ex. ??? Q: Find the inverse of A

       A: Ducks are indigenous to both eastern and western Canada

 Prof thinks "I do love ducks but you clearly have no idea what you are doing."

8. Do not be the person who shows up late... Everyone will hate you.

9. Kleenex, exams are stressful and sniffling for three hours will most likely result in your getting punched in the back of the head by one of your classmates.

10. Do not be the person that sits there for the whole time and then some.  You either know it or you don't.  This not only wastes your time but irritates your prof who will remember how it took you 8 hours to finish a 20 question exam.

BONUS TIP: When in doubt pick C (this only relates to multiple choice if you put C for long answer... you might get committed)

That is all.

Top Ten Things That I Hate About Facebook/Facebook Users

January 22, 2013

10.  How you can't filter out statuses based on what words are in them.  Examples: "my ex", "YOLO", "crochet"

9. Every time there is a new update on facebook I hate it more than I did before... Timeline I am looking at you.

8. How I can never find my videos when I am on my phone.

7. People who update their status every ten minutes.

Examples:

Mackenzie Judd: Just got the mail, saw my neighbour

Mackenzie Judd: It's totally Tuesday!!!!

Mackenzie Judd:  Lol My bad it's Wednesday

Mackenzie Judd: I hate it when I waste an entire day on fb #wheresmywifi

6.  The miss use of "lol" and "Hahahahahahaha", now I admit I am a culprit of this too but I at least know and try to curb my enthusiasm.

Example:

Me: Hey what's up?

Someone Else: hahahaha not too much lol you?

Me: lol just studying for a chem final hahaha

Someone Else: Hahaha I totally understand lol college student life.

5. Hash tags.  What on earth are you hash tagging for on facebook?  It's not like it keeps track of discussion threads like twitter does.  And then like anything there are people that have to over do it and their hash tags are longer than their status.

Example:

Mackenzie Judd: So excited to see my bestie today! #bffl #ladiesnight #edmonton #mynamehasfourvowels #ilovepuppies #holyhashtagbatman #andweredonehere

4. Ya Mama

3. Awkward statuses... these can be about relationships or embarrassing stories that you shouldn't even tell your closest friends let alone the internet.  

Example:

Sally Sobstory: Worst break-up ever! I can't believe I ever liked you.  You are the worst human being ever

Ok so am I supposed to like this status? Is your ex suppose to like it?

Example 2:

Sally Sobstory:  So lonely why won't anyone text me back?.

Ummmm, maybe because you are a tad needy?

Example 3:

Sally Sobstory:  That awkward moment when you pee your pants in public and then have to sit on a city bus for two hours.

That awkward moment when I wish I hadn't read your status, I am embarrassed for you.

2. Posts that are all "Like if you hate cancer, ignore if you want your puppy to die"  

Seriously, you will NOT manipulate me into liking something just because you depict me as a villain otherwise.  No I don't hate God, my mom, good luck or potatoes but doesn't mean I need you like/share your photo.

1.People posting pictures of their kids saying "If I get a million likes I can get a puppy". 

 You are posting photos of YOUR CHILDREN on the internet just because you can't say "No Tommy, you can't get a dog.  You won't walk it and it'll die and break your heart."  You know what kind of people like those photos? Weirdo and perverts... Gold star in parenting skills.

Top Ten Trekkie Tips for Survival in Space

February 11, 2013

So it's been awhile but in my defence I have been very, very busy... watching Star Trek Next Generation.  So set your phasers to fun and buckle up!

10. Don't beam onto a planet you can't beam off of.

 9. Just because William Riker smiles at you does not mean you have to fall in love with him.  He leave you in his star dust with nothing more than a broken heart and feelings of self-loathing.

8. Do not violate the prime directive... unless it's convenient.

7. Listen to Wes! He is always right and no one ever takes him seriously.  The writers have found an infinite loop of plot lines!

6. If a ship does not respond to hailing frequencies... hit 'em with a couple photon torpedoes don't wait til your shields are at 12% and can't stand another hit.  

5. If Deanna Troi says someone is lying... CALL THEM ON IT.  Or you could just wait until someone shoots at you or captures you or steals your ship... whate'er.

4. Ya Mama

3. If no one knows your name and you are wearing a red shirt, well you're toast, sorry newb.

2. Don't mess with Worf... he will rearrange your face faster than you can say "Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam"

1. Engage!

Seriously though, it's on Nextflix get after it.

Top 5 Things I Learned from Living in Residence!

June 5, 2012

1. If you are in the shower and you hear the toilet flush hit the cold tap and get outta there!

2.Just because someone is school-smart enough to be in a post-secondary institution does not mean they are life-smart enough to be living by themselves

3.If there is shellfish involved don't eat it.  The same thing applies to chicken, unlabelled soup and open dairy products.

4. Ya Mama <--- Pretty sure my Dad is the only one that finds this funny but that's AOK with me.

5. If you hear anything that sounds like livestock. Lock your door and stay there.  I don't care if you have to pee, you sit there and hold it.  

Stupid Things to Do Before You Move

May 17, 2012

The past week or so I have been using the excuse that we are moving to shamelessly do dumb things in the community. So here is the best of the best:

1. Use your pogostick in the driveway!

2. Feed dog food to the local feline population (don't judge me, they like it)

3. Taunt kids on bikes ("Hey BMX Super star do a heely!" ---> here's the thing I am not actually sure what kind of tricks one does on a bicycle and Taylor dared me while I was driving so I had to think fast)

4. Spin dancing! So this requires a bit of explanation, Taylor and I took a walk to the music store the other day.  On the way there we walked like normal human beings but on the way back we decided to spin dance, you kind of flail your arms and spin, occasionally changing direction to prevent nausea.  I would say I think this caused our neighbours to lose respect for us but I am pretty sure that happened a couple of years ago 

Top Five Things That Have Annoyed Me at Work

May 2, 2012

1. This lady decided her wrap was too small so she asked us to make her a new one... First of all it's a health food cafe so the portions are a little bit smaller than say Wendy's, second of all for someone who is so concerned with the amount of calories in our smoothies maybe you should be more concerned with the sheer quantity of wrap you are stuffing your face with.

2. This is what some guy said to my little sister (who is not even 100lbs I might add) "Hey..I was going to ask what you would recommend for food but you don't look like you like healthy food." ... that's about as classy as the girdle you're wearing bro.

3. People who stand by the juicer and tell you how to do your job, which just consists of shoving various fruits and veggies into a juicer.  Lady I get paid just enough to tolerate you as it is, it doesn't make a difference what order I put carrots, apples and kale in, it's all going in the same cup.

4. Ya Mama

5.This is a combination of things which all amount to people not using their brains:

 a) We don't have the chip function working on our debit machine so we have a card sticking out of the slot that has NO CHIP written on it. People will come in and shove their card in anyway and then look surprised when I have to tell them they need to swipe... THERE IS A REASON YOUR CARD DIDN'T FIT PROPERLY!

 b) We have two signs: Order Here and Pick Up Here.  So when people walk up to the counter, see that there is no cash register but rather a sample tray and a bunch of blenders and then try to order my first impulse is to check for a walking stick or a guide dog.

 c) When people ask what is in something while reading the menu, you are already reading it, if you look underneath the name there is a list of ingredients.  Yes I do know what's in it but you are just being lazy and need to get over yourself.

Yes I know people make mistakes and sometimes they just didn't see the sign but when they act all indignant or exasperated because they have to swipe their card or walk to a different counter it infuriates me.

Top Ten Ways You Know Your Coupleness Has Gone Too Far!

February 14 2012

1.You feel weird spending time by yourself

2.You can't remember the last time you hung out with your friends

3.You write "miss you" on their facebook wall as soon as they leave the room

4.You have bruises on your face from trying to walk and kiss at the same time.

5.You say stupid things like "Every day is Valentines when I'm with you"... Really it feels like February 14th all the time, that must suck because February is a month characterized by cold unrelenting wind and snow.

6.Ya Mama

7.You mix your names together (Brangelina is not cute it's sad)

8.You celebrate an anniversary every week (ex.Today is our 6 week anniversary I made you a card and a paper mache puppy!)

9.You have seriously considered getting their name tattooed somewhere

10.You have clotheslined people because you refuse to let go of your partner's hand

Top Ten Ways You Know You Are Too Old For Trick Or Treating

October 31, 2011

1) You can see over the head of everyone else walking with you

2) Your costume is too short and has been the past 6 Halloweens

3) Your neighbours turn off the lights and lock the door when they see you come up the drive way

4) The person handing out candy asks which kids is yours

5) Boston Pizza won't give you kids' meals anymore

6) You aren't sure how late you are going to stay out because you have a midterm in the morning

7) You drive around instead of walk

8) You have no baby teeth left

9) Your Mom no longer gives you a flashlight or reflective tape in fact she probably cries and begs you not to go out...something about shaming the family name

10) You no longer believe in ghosts, ghouls or monsters under the bed.