Top Ten Songs on the Asthmatic Playlist

September 17, 2012

10. "Breathe, breathe in the air" -Pink Floyd... Oh here I thought I was supposed to be breathing in water, thank you for this incredibly helpful advice.

9. "Take my breath away!" Berlin... You are telling me you are complaining about being able to breathe.  Someone SHOULD take your breath away just so you know what it feels like and once they do good luck asking for it back!

8."Now I'm breathing in, breathing out, I'm alive again!" -Matt Mahr... There's no need to brag Matt, you know what I'm doing? Wheezing in, wheezing out, I need my ventolin again!

7."I can't breathe" -Adele... You can't breathe because you smoke! Next time read the box you are pulling your cancer stick out of.

6."I've got no fear of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work." -Jars of Clay... Finally someone understands me.

5. "Everybody's in the zone, playing games like prednisone" -Ron Carroll... Prednisone makes me feel a lot of things: hungry, emotional, hungry, nauseous, hungry. Not one single time have I ever felt in "the zone" while taking prednisone.

4.Ya Mama

3."My world revolves around you. It's so hard for me to breathe" Jordin Sparks.  Yeah I feel that way about my inhaler too!

2. "I want to, I want to, I want to breathe" -TFK... Listen buddy if you are able to sing about breathing then you are doing just fine.  I can't get more than one syllable out at a time.

1."Breathe, Just Breathe" -Anna Nalick... Well thank you Anna, I have never considered that as an option before now, no wonder I feel dizzy and disoriented. If it were that easy don't you think I would be doing it.... ya jerk! <--- I am pretty hostile when I am sick.

Top Ten Best Worst Halloween Costumes

Novermber 1, 2012

1. "Sleepwalker"  Congrats you found a way to wear pjs in public.  Points for functionality.  Zero Creativity.  Best worsted.

2. Skin tight anything.  Not because it's revealing or immodest, it comes down to function. Back in the day the rule was if you couldn't fit your snow pants under your costumes, it was a no go.  Zero functionality. 67% chance of hypothermia.

3.Ghost (bed sheet) supposedly classic, never seen it.

4. Ya Mama

5. Some obscure character from something no one has never seen.  Don't get upset when I ask who you are just because you wanted to be unique.

6. Two Person Costumes.  Four words: never a good idea.  I know you want to be a horse or sand worm for Halloween like soooo bad.  Just remember someone has to be the butt... of every joke. (You are welcome)

7. Anything with masks.  I'm sorry you thought I was going to give gold star to sweating underneath a rubber mask that muffles your speech and the eye holes are too close together.  Don't act so shocked.

8. Group costume theme. Best: Makes you look super legit.  Worst: There is always one character no one wants to be.

9. Zombie costumes, the realistic ones make me nauseous and the other ones are just lame... No happy medium.  Rotting flesh is rotting flesh.

10. People who don't dress up and then say "I'm going as a girl that looks like me".  I admire you for not conforming, then you sold out hardcore so now you are just a lazy loser (say that ten times fast)

Top Ten Dumb Things People Do When Winter Driving

November 1, 2012

1.Driving too fast.  Hey genius see how the road is all shiny, well it's not fairy dust it's ice.  Equally as mesmerizing but four-and-a-half times more deadly.

2. Driving too slow.  Listen dear, I know it's scary but I promise if you take your foot off the brake for a second you'll be fine.  It's nothing personal but you are doing 2km in a 60 zone and if I wanted to go this slowly I would have taken a unicycle.

3. Keeping your lights covered with snow.  It is not a game when you change lanes and no one knows what you are doing.  You are not going to trick me but I might hit you.  It takes 2 seconds to wipe the snow off your lights.

4.Ya Mama

5. Arrogant All-Wheelers.  I realize you have all wheel drive, winter tires, chains, flares and a roll cage.  Some of us don't have the luxury of driving around a small apartment complex so when you go speeding past me covering my windshield with a mask of white death, not only does my life flash before my eyes but it also makes me a little cranky.

6. Just because the snow is covering the lines in the parking lot does not mean you can park your car at an 87 degree angle and leave it.  See all the other cars, how they are parked in neat rows? Magical isn't it? It's like there are some sort societal rules regarding how to leave your vehicle.

7.Following too closely. Ok it's just a touch icy out and you are riding my bumper.  Oh I see how it is, if you go down I'm coming with you.

8.  People who don't brush their cars and the snow from the top of their car comes flying off.  (See #5)

9. People who try to drift around corners because they think they are being cool.  You are not in fast and furious and you are going to end up hitting something or worse someone.  Drifting by definition is out of control.

10.  People who don't scrape their windshields.  Yes I see you, leering awkwardly over your steering wheel because  your windshield has only defrosted a dime sized window.  I am not saying it has to be pristine, but come on, show a little pride. Or show more laziness and leave your car running longer.

Top Ten Ways You Know You Won't Accomplish Your New Year's Resolution

December 4, 2012

10.You still haven't accomplished last year's resolution

9.You are more of a goal setter  and less of a go getter

8.Your resolution has anything to do with the lottery

7.Your resolution has anything to do with reading more

6.You are reading this while you have something more important to do

5.You feel that deadlines are more like guide lines

4.Ya Mama

3.You think by posting it on your facebook you create accountability

2.Sometimes you fall asleep vowing that you'll get up tomorrow and workout, eat healthier and put on makeup.

1.You have made the same resolution every year with no success

If you really want to accomplish your New Year's Resolution here is my advice:

1.Set the bar really low: you can always make another goal once you've reached this one... let's just focus and reaching a goal.

 Example: This year I will limit myself to 12 snacks a day. <---- Once you have 12 down, go 11.  But let's not get crazy.

2.Don't be stupid: Obviously you are not going to become a rockstar or slam poet this year unless you've actually put in work.

 Bad Example: This year I want to discover an alien colony and befriend them. <--- Do you even own a telescope?  An alien colony would kill and eat you, no hesitation.

3.Be really vague: This one is for people who want to feel good about themselves and like they've accomplished something without changing anything whatsoever.  

 Example: This year I want to cherish people more. <--- this is good because there is no way to actually measure how cherishy you are.  You feel good, you don't change a thing.

Top Ten Tips for Test Taking

December 9, 2012

1. Bring a sweater.  Ever try to start a car when it's too cold? Your brain works the same way.

2. Sleep the night before.  Falling asleep in an exam is embarrassing and will not help your chances.

3. Don't eat too much. Overeating right before an exam could have the same result as #2

4. Ya Mama

5. If you don't know the exact answer write down what you do know.  This will give your prof the opportunity to give you part marks AND depending on how off track you are pity you for the remainder of the exam and mark it easier.

 ex. Q: Find the inverse of A

       A: Ducks are indigenous to both eastern and western Canada

 Prof thinks "Well I'll give you 1/3 because I like ducks"

6. Circle important details in the question. This forces you to slow down and read the question properly.  Also it makes it look like you know what's up when the prof marks it.

7. Do NOT write question marks beside questions, star it and come back.  A question mark is like a bat signal for how dumb you are.  It tells the prof you are crawling in the dark and don't have the answer (again if you got that bravo).

 ex. ??? Q: Find the inverse of A

       A: Ducks are indigenous to both eastern and western Canada

 Prof thinks "I do love ducks but you clearly have no idea what you are doing."

8. Do not be the person who shows up late... Everyone will hate you.

9. Kleenex, exams are stressful and sniffling for three hours will most likely result in your getting punched in the back of the head by one of your classmates.

10. Do not be the person that sits there for the whole time and then some.  You either know it or you don't.  This not only wastes your time but irritates your prof who will remember how it took you 8 hours to finish a 20 question exam.

BONUS TIP: When in doubt pick C (this only relates to multiple choice if you put C for long answer... you might get committed)

That is all.

Top 5 Things I Learned from Living in Residence!

June 5, 2012

1. If you are in the shower and you hear the toilet flush hit the cold tap and get outta there!

2.Just because someone is school-smart enough to be in a post-secondary institution does not mean they are life-smart enough to be living by themselves

3.If there is shellfish involved don't eat it.  The same thing applies to chicken, unlabelled soup and open dairy products.

4. Ya Mama <--- Pretty sure my Dad is the only one that finds this funny but that's AOK with me.

5. If you hear anything that sounds like livestock. Lock your door and stay there.  I don't care if you have to pee, you sit there and hold it.  

Stupid Things to Do Before You Move

May 17, 2012

The past week or so I have been using the excuse that we are moving to shamelessly do dumb things in the community. So here is the best of the best:

1. Use your pogostick in the driveway!

2. Feed dog food to the local feline population (don't judge me, they like it)

3. Taunt kids on bikes ("Hey BMX Super star do a heely!" ---> here's the thing I am not actually sure what kind of tricks one does on a bicycle and Taylor dared me while I was driving so I had to think fast)

4. Spin dancing! So this requires a bit of explanation, Taylor and I took a walk to the music store the other day.  On the way there we walked like normal human beings but on the way back we decided to spin dance, you kind of flail your arms and spin, occasionally changing direction to prevent nausea.  I would say I think this caused our neighbours to lose respect for us but I am pretty sure that happened a couple of years ago 

Top Five Things That Have Annoyed Me at Work

May 2, 2012

1. This lady decided her wrap was too small so she asked us to make her a new one... First of all it's a health food cafe so the portions are a little bit smaller than say Wendy's, second of all for someone who is so concerned with the amount of calories in our smoothies maybe you should be more concerned with the sheer quantity of wrap you are stuffing your face with.

2. This is what some guy said to my little sister (who is not even 100lbs I might add) "Hey..I was going to ask what you would recommend for food but you don't look like you like healthy food." ... that's about as classy as the girdle you're wearing bro.

3. People who stand by the juicer and tell you how to do your job, which just consists of shoving various fruits and veggies into a juicer.  Lady I get paid just enough to tolerate you as it is, it doesn't make a difference what order I put carrots, apples and kale in, it's all going in the same cup.

4. Ya Mama

5.This is a combination of things which all amount to people not using their brains:

 a) We don't have the chip function working on our debit machine so we have a card sticking out of the slot that has NO CHIP written on it. People will come in and shove their card in anyway and then look surprised when I have to tell them they need to swipe... THERE IS A REASON YOUR CARD DIDN'T FIT PROPERLY!

 b) We have two signs: Order Here and Pick Up Here.  So when people walk up to the counter, see that there is no cash register but rather a sample tray and a bunch of blenders and then try to order my first impulse is to check for a walking stick or a guide dog.

 c) When people ask what is in something while reading the menu, you are already reading it, if you look underneath the name there is a list of ingredients.  Yes I do know what's in it but you are just being lazy and need to get over yourself.

Yes I know people make mistakes and sometimes they just didn't see the sign but when they act all indignant or exasperated because they have to swipe their card or walk to a different counter it infuriates me.

Top Ten Ways You Know Your Coupleness Has Gone Too Far!

February 14 2012

1.You feel weird spending time by yourself

2.You can't remember the last time you hung out with your friends

3.You write "miss you" on their facebook wall as soon as they leave the room

4.You have bruises on your face from trying to walk and kiss at the same time.

5.You say stupid things like "Every day is Valentines when I'm with you"... Really it feels like February 14th all the time, that must suck because February is a month characterized by cold unrelenting wind and snow.

6.Ya Mama

7.You mix your names together (Brangelina is not cute it's sad)

8.You celebrate an anniversary every week (ex.Today is our 6 week anniversary I made you a card and a paper mache puppy!)

9.You have seriously considered getting their name tattooed somewhere

10.You have clotheslined people because you refuse to let go of your partner's hand