Top Ten Modern Reasons to Hate Corn Mazes

 

1. There are no winners. There are only survivors.
2. Bad things happen in mazes. Just ask Cedric Diggory... OH WAIT! You can't, can you?
3. They take your money. You know the other times in your life where your money is gone and you are trapped in a seemingly endless labyrinth? Getting mugged in a Costco... that's when.
4. Ya Mama. Imagine her heart if you never came back from that maze of consternation and darkness. Just. Imagine
5. It's cold. Ever wanted bitter winds to chill your stress sweat so your entire outdoor experience feels like a fever dream? Then boy howdy are corn mazes for you!
6. It makes you hate your friends. We all have that friend who is always trying to steal corn or jump out and scare you or insists they know which way to go even though you know it is a statistical impossibility to turn left that many times in a row. The good news is that you will no longer be friends after your corn maze experience.
7. Aliens! You know that I want to be in the inaugural class of Star Fleet... but if we just go wandering into a corn maze that is actually crop circles who knows what the fate of our species would be.
8. It's dark. Do you know how many apex predators hunt at night?! ME NEITHER BUT PROBABLY A LOT! Are you really willing to go out when your senses are the least effective?
9. There are never any good snacks. No, I don't want popcorn, corn on the cob or even a corndog. I have gone through an ordeal, I need a hearty stew (+10hp... duh).
10. People think it's a good group activity... it's not. Numbers will NOT protect you. All it does is add congestion. Guess what you hate? People who walk slow. Guess who you will be stuck behind? A gaggle of people who walk slow.