Top Ten Modern Reasons to Hate Corn Mazes

 

1. There are no winners. There are only survivors.
2. Bad things happen in mazes. Just ask Cedric Diggory... OH WAIT! You can't, can you?
3. They take your money. You know the other times in your life where your money is gone and you are trapped in a seemingly endless labyrinth? Getting mugged in a Costco... that's when.
4. Ya Mama. Imagine her heart if you never came back from that maze of consternation and darkness. Just. Imagine
5. It's cold. Ever wanted bitter winds to chill your stress sweat so your entire outdoor experience feels like a fever dream? Then boy howdy are corn mazes for you!
6. It makes you hate your friends. We all have that friend who is always trying to steal corn or jump out and scare you or insists they know which way to go even though you know it is a statistical impossibility to turn left that many times in a row. The good news is that you will no longer be friends after your corn maze experience.
7. Aliens! You know that I want to be in the inaugural class of Star Fleet... but if we just go wandering into a corn maze that is actually crop circles who knows what the fate of our species would be.
8. It's dark. Do you know how many apex predators hunt at night?! ME NEITHER BUT PROBABLY A LOT! Are you really willing to go out when your senses are the least effective?
9. There are never any good snacks. No, I don't want popcorn, corn on the cob or even a corndog. I have gone through an ordeal, I need a hearty stew (+10hp... duh).
10. People think it's a good group activity... it's not. Numbers will NOT protect you. All it does is add congestion. Guess what you hate? People who walk slow. Guess who you will be stuck behind? A gaggle of people who walk slow.

TOP 10 KNOWLEDGE NUGGETS (PCP edition)

 

1. Do not trip over the curb walking into a house.  This does not inspire confidence.
2. There are lots of fun and whimsical names for drugs! The most recent one I learned is "Gabbies" which I originally thought was meth but it's actually short for gabapentin.... *star wipe* the more you know.
3. Carry a puke bag in your pocket! This tip was given to me by a paramedic during my hospital practicum and has now been tried and tested (allbeit in a somewhat limited capacity).... thank you, Paramedic Tim.

   

   This is an emesis bag... the ever-vigilant protector of boots, uniforms and floors.

4. People usually respond with a dollar amount when you ask how much of a given drug they took... this does not help to determine the amount of the aforementioned given drug. I know what you're thinking: But why though? The answer, my dear Lewark, is economics: the street magic of math.
5. Ya Mama will come and visit you on your days off and buy you name-brand groceries... what a great lady.
6. Look at your watch a lot. If you need to note times for your paperwork, if you need to stall to collect your thoughts, if time has lost all meaning and you can't remember what day it is...
7. Sometimes you have to interrupt people.... I know our parents raised us better than that but it's just the way the world works.
8. If you are a bit nervous, clear your throat before you talk. Otherwise you get a huge voice crack and you will be suuuuuper embarrassed and EVERYONE will sense your fear.
9.  Keep a container of mints with you. That way when you get a call in the middle of the night, your patient won't die from your sleep stink. Good luck explaining that in your patient care report.
10. Vomit comes in all shapes and sizes. #Pranked you know imma keep being gross on here. Is it what the people want or need? Nah. Has that ever stopped me before? Absolutely not.