Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Dumbbell

1.You don't understand stand why you need to wipe off gym equipment after use.  It's already drenched in sweat, it'll just take longer to dry if I wipe it down with sanitizer.  

2. You don't feel the need to flush the toilet.  YOU ARE AN ADULT!  If I have to keep flushing toilets I am going to start wearing a vest and demanding tips.

3.  You wear street shoes... I am not talking about wearing your cross trainers from the car to the gym (although that is prohibited).  I am talking about the people who have mud caked onto their shoes and proceed to walk around the gym knowingly leaving a trail of filthy dumbbell footprints all over the gym and the equipment.  Sorry did you not see the 16 signs that say "No Street Shoes" or......

4.  Ya Mama... gets left at the gym because you forgot you brought her with you.

5. You take 16 towels.  Because everyone knows it's magical fairies that wash towels, not real live human beings whose time might be spent better elsewhere.

6. You don't put said 16 towels in the hamper.  Everyone else puts their towels in the hamper so stands to reason I should leave it on a bench or piece of equipment.  #logic

7. You fling weights.  I understand why people drop weights but when people drop them before they've even really lifted them properly, it's not lifting it's flinging.  "Bro I can totally fling a solid 250"

8. You don't understand the term Personal Space.  I am cleaning equipment and you are patiently waiting for said equipment.  That's really great but did you know you can wait for equipment without standing directly behind or in front of me.  In fact by waiting in your own personal space you significantly reduce the chances of getting a face full of harsh chemicals.

9. You leave weights lying around.  It's like you thought "This is the heaviest object in the whole gym, I'll pick it up and leave right in the middle of the floor and then I'll go home."  Great because I really love failing to lift twice my weight and then interrupting a complete stranger's workout so that a better person than you can help me clean up your mess.

10. You talk on the phone.  I am not talking about answering your phone and then going to the lobby or outside to finish your conversation.   I am talking about you thinking you are so much more important that everyone else that you feel the need to loudly talk about your life while sitting on a piece of equipment.  "Yeah bro I am working out right now"... no you aren't. you are actually preventing other people from working out while you yell about how noisy it is in the gym...  if only there was somewhere quiet for you to go.

Top Ten Things That Have Betrayed Me

1. Coffee: Basically I tripped down the stairs and then my coffee laughed in my face except coffee can't laugh so it just vomited lava humiliation into my face... and ruined the carpet. BETRAYAL!
See my previous post for more details.

2. Cleaning Supplies: I was promised stain removal, I still only have stain... BETRAYAL!

3. Cribbage: I was on a killer hot streak and needed 3 points to win the game and then I had no points in my crib.... BETRAYAL!

4. Ya Mama: She yelled "19" right before I looked at my crib... BETRAYAL!

5. Reality: I am supposed to be in love, having the time of my life and dancing through life.  Instead I am single, cranky and tripping down the stairs.  BETRAYAL!

6. The Chiropractor: So when I fell down the stairs I threw my shoulder and neck out.  Relax, he said it'll be fine he said.. and then he snapped my shoulder blade back into place and I threw up in my mouth.  BETRAYAL!

7. My sister's childhood: More specifically the elephant costume I spent an hour stretching so I could fit into it.  I woke up this morning to find both my shoulders bruised from trying to squeeze into a costume I rescued from certain destruction.  BETRAYAL!

8. Lemon Chamomile Tea: I like lemon, I like chamomile but together it tasted like pine needles and dish soap.  I trusted you Lipton.  BETRAYAL!

9. Perogies: I was microwaving perogies for lunch.  Ate half of one.  Perfect, a delicious whirlwind of potato and fulfilled dreams.  The second half of the SAME perogy exploded with malicious intent and burned the roof of my mouth so bad it blistered. I was lulled into a false sense of security so my lunch could maim me.  BETRAYAL!

10. The Microwave:  Guilty by association.  The microwave aligned itself with the perogy and therefore is a party to the BETRAYAL!

Top Ten Things That Are Too Rich for My Blood

1. Sweet Potato Fries - Firstly they are gross, secondly you want to pay an extra dollar for fries that aren't even worth a dollar in the first place?

2. Brand Name School Supplies - The only difference between your cue cards and mine are the fact that I didn't need to take out a loan to be able to afford small rectangular paper. Nuff said

3. Condiments - Yes, it is weird to ask for ketchup when I buy a coffee but at least it's a free kind of weird.

4. Ya Mama - Because you can't put a price on maternal instinct

5. Bottled Water - I'm sorry is tap water not good enough for you any more?  You think you're too good for our country's life blood?  Mercury poisoning is just a myth that fancy people believe in.  I bet you think malaria is real too! Pfft this guy!

6. Air Conditioning - With the proper fan placement and air circulation action plan AC is never necessary... NEVER

7. Heat - That's why you own more than one sweater... duh

8. Paper Towel - That's why you own more than one sleeve... duh

9. Toilet Paper - that's why you own more than one hand... duh  <--- you know sometimes I wonder why I'm single but mostly I don't.

10. People who have a gym membership and only use the treadmills - First of all, I'm pretty sure you pay taxes so you can use sidewalks. Also why not spend hundreds of dollars once and just buy a treadmill?  Those suckers are good for years!  Plus no one will judge you for the television shows you watch while working out.  Well maybe that is just me, but whenever I am at the gym, I either turn the TV off or watch sports because I feel like anything else makes me less fit...

Here is what I think about the things Taylor thinks about the weird things I think about...

1. I would never ever vandalize a bathroom stall because it's wrong and nasty.... And I would most definitely get caught because I wheeze when I feel too much adrenaline.

2. Rosie was a backstabbing harlot and I am proud of Taylor for cutting her loose.  Her imaginary friend was bringing her down.

3. WOW! Firstly I was not lying, it was sarcasm for the purpose of comedy obviously I don't have hairy hobbit feet.  Secondly I used to wear socks en route to the beach until Taylor made fun of me so much I stopped wearing socks and sneakers to the beach....

4. Ya Mama isn't always an appropriate response but it is THE response.  Also yes, it is awkward when I say it to Taylor because her Mama is my Mama...

5. Awwwwwww Taylor should shave her head, then it'll be like when she was in the third grade and still had no hair yet.  Taylor was an adorably late bloomer!

6. What if someone discovered music wasn't real?  What then Taylor? Would science concern you then? HMMM?

7. Taylor is afraid of heights.... yet she herself is a giant.  I don't get it either.

8. Quests are fun and dangerous.  The grocery store is boring and the only reward you get for your efforts is having to put groceries away when you get home.

9. Follow your dreams kids! Taylor didn't follow me around singing about my faking asthma... I was stuck in bed because I couldn't breathe enough to MOVE and she was standing in my room and wouldn't leave.

10. I didn't say a pig's head on a stick was like banana oil, thats why it's called weird things I think about instead of perfectly normal things everyone thinks about.

Top Ten List of Weird Things I Think About

1. I really REALLY want to write "Who is nasty enough to bring a sharpie into a public bathroom" on the wall of a bathroom stall... Why? I would like to witness the ensuing chaos as vandals everywhere attempt to validate themselves while pointing how hypercritical that statement is.

2. Sometimes I give up on a story because I don't want anything bad to happen to my characters... which basically means I have imaginary friends

3. Sometimes when I'm talking to people I try to picture what kind of mythical creature they would be... I'd like to say I'm an elf but we all know I'm a hobbit. I eat 8 meals a days, I have disproportionately large feet and lets just say the reason I wear socks to the beach is not because I have sensitive skin.

4. Ya Mama... this is my first impulse response to everything.  Fortunately, most of the time it stays in my head and I just allow awkward silence to permeate the room while I think of something intelligent to say.

5. I think about shaving my head at least 6 times a week... I don't think I would ever actually do it because I have a magnificent mane of nasty orange, labradoodle hair but whenever I get a brush or hair elastic stuck in it, I want to throw in the towel and go bald and beautiful... unless my head is lumpy then I'll just be bald and sad.

6. I worry about a major scientific discovery that will make my degree useless... granted it would have to be a pretty significant discovery to challenge all the underpinnings of science, but look what happened when they discovered the earth was spherical.  The fact that four years of my life could be rendered completely useless in an instant is about a comforting as a snuggie made from cacti.

7.  When I walk past trees I instantly evaluate their climbability... Why? Because my idea of fun hasn't changed since I turned ten.

8. I wish quests were real... imagine how much more interesting life would be if while you were at the grocery store someone showed up with a travel cloak and said "We have to go in search of a dragon.".  Plus it would also allow me to pursue my dream job as a bard.

9. My dream job is to become a bard.  I have all the necessary skills but there's just no market for it.

10. The smell of banana oil instantly reminds me of Lord of the Flies... I don't know why, the book didn't smell like banana oil, the movie had no tanning oil in it... but when I get a whiff of the stuff all I can think about is a pig's head on a stick.

Top Ten Ways College is the Best-Worst

1. Small Campus
Best: No traffic, no line ups and all the buildings are really easy to find.
Worst: When you are late you have absolutely no excuse.

2. No Loitering

Best: For whatever reason at the university people feel the need to sit on the stairs.  There are benches at the top of the stairs and benches at the bottom of the stairs, people are crowded around trying to get by these other people who insist on sitting in the middle of a stair case.... WHY? But not at good old college, most people lived on campus or in town so there was little or no loitering in high traffic areas because everyone could go home between classes.
Worst: Later in the evening, campus stops feeling like a small town college and starts feeling like a horror film.

3. Livestock

Best: The number of cow related puns I made in two years at Olds College has got to be a record.
Worst: Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night to hear cows proclaiming every injustice ever done to beef in the form of loud and extended mooing. Also sometimes you got stuck behind a horse drawn wagon at Tim Hortons.

4. Ya Mama

Best: She loves you know matter what!
Worst:  Sometimes that love comes in the tough variety.

5. I was 18

Best: I believed anything was possible.  The world was a bucket of sunshine and puppies.
Worst: Every time something bad happened my reality was shattered, then I'd glue it all back together with my newfound realization... then life would hit it with a sledgehammer.

6. Deadlines and Lack Thereof

Best: If you miss an application date or an assignment is late most of the time you can catch a break.
Worst: When you are waiting for scholarship money or marks to be posted deadlines become more like guidelines.

7. Sharing
Best: You can bring cookies to class and share with everyone without having to bake 500 cookies.  You can organize snack days and with everyone living on campus there is always someone to lend anything you might need.
Worst: When one person gets the flu, the whole campus gets the flu... "We share, we share everything!"*

8. Labs

Best: There were so few of us in the lab we had a lot of freedom during the lab period.  It was a time of wonder and discovery.
Worst: Our labs never worked because we used outdated chemicals... also we didn't have a fume hood or proper waste disposable and sometimes there was soil on the benches when we came in... you could say they were soiled (haaaaa

9. The Cafeteria

Best: Lots of variety and it's all you can eat
Worst: They took the burger patties from a can... FROM A CAN!