Top Ten Pro-Tips for Aspiring Chefs

1. Anything is edible if you put enough ranch dressing on it.

2. If you aren't sure if something is cooked all the way ask a friend to try the first bite and wait 30-40 minutes.

3. You can become immune to food poisoning... at least I hope this is true because I've had it atleast 4 times since September (it was only my fault 3 of those times.... I am, after all, a professional).

4. Ya Mama is not as good of a cook as me.

5. If you can't appreciate burnt food, your pallet isn't sophisticated enough

6. If something isn't cooking fast enough just boil it for a bit (this works for anything: potatoes, steak, toast)

7. There is no such thing as too much seasoning, if it burns your throat it just means it's killing germs.

8. Don't worry if your dish looks like vomit, that just means it is easily digestible.

9. To reduce the amount of clean up you have, always pam everything: pans, plates, smoothie cups.

10. If at any point your dish starts smoking or you see visible flames, just add a litre of water and serve.

Bonus Tip: BBQ sauce is a universal substitute, you can use it in place of flour, pasta sauce and when cereal is involved milk.

Top 10 Things I Am Maybe Probably Addicted To

1. Tetris. I've mentioned it before but it's a legitimate problem.  I can't get past level ten and it affects my life.

2. Minimized windows. Right now I have 26,  although I don't know if this is an addiction so much as a fear of commitment.  I don't want the document closed but I don't want it opened either.

3.  Punk rock from the 90's... don't ask.

4. Ya Mama. her personality is just so effervescent

5. Chips. I can and do eat them for breakfast... No I can stop any time I want. TOUCH THOSE SOUR CREAM AND BACON CHIPS AND I WILL CUT YOU!  Whoa sorry I don't know what got into me there.

6. Puns. This has cost me friendships and put strain on my relationship with my family.  I can't live without a punchline. Isn't that punishment enough? What am I laughing at? Nothing *chortle* nothing at all.

7. Taking stuff apart.  Broken calculators, fans, jewellery, household pets.  I may or may not have an entire bin full of stuff I have dismantled, said "That's pretty neat" and then because I broke it trying to take it apart, there's no way I can put it back together (I said stuff I was addicted to, not good at).  But I have a skewed sense of sentimentality I keep it all.  I tell myself that it's because I want to be prepared for the apocalypse but I know that's a lie.  I'm severely asthmatic and clumsy to the point of defying physics there is no way I am surviving the apocalypse.

8. Socks. It's gotten to the point where I feel weird if I don't have socks on.  I don't even own sandals because what's the point of going outside if I can't have socks on?

9. Parenting Articles. I don't know why but I read at least three parenting articles every day.  I have no kids.  I want no kids.  But their little minds perceive things so differently.  Go ahead, ask me what I think of time outs as an effective punishment... no seriously please ask me... c'mon ASK ME!

10. Heroine.  I just can't get enough of a strong female character.