Top Ten Questions I Have About Public Blogs

June 13, 2013

10. Can I still point out how stupid some people are?

9. Am I allowed to complain/brag about my job?

8. Stranger danger?!?!

7. Do I have to cite my sources?

6. MLA or APA?

5. Is it weird to talk about my personal problems? Well actually I only have one problem and its name is Awkward

4. Ya Mama? Yes dear, ya mama.

3. Can I be committed based on what I post?

2. WHO ARE YOU?!?!?

1. Do people seriously have nothing better to do than read this? Please, please let someone have nothing better to do than read this.

Top Ten Things I Hated About Being A Summer Student

August 31, 2013

1. When someone assumes you are stupid because you are younger than they are.
2. Monday mornings
3. My office was in between the conference room and the copy room so people waltzed through my office every ten minutes. Also if people start yelling at each other in a private meeting I could hear every word
4. Ya Mama! Just kidding I could never hate ya mama.
5. The back storage room... imagine a really organized garage or attic... now imagine a tornado ripped through the room and blocked all the exits and made everything impossible to find.
6. The broken printer that beeped every five seconds... and sat right outside my office. I don’t know which was worse the beeping or the string of curse words that generally followed from the poor soul who was foolish enough to try and print something.
7. “Can you email this document out to these people?” Emails me document and list of email addresses...
8. “If there is an emergency call me on my cell” - doesn’t answer cell phone and voicemail box is full.
9. “If you aren’t busy can you do this?” Walks out before I can tell them I am, in fact, extremely busy.
10. “Can you fax this for me?” -Guy standing in front of the fax machine

Top Ten Highlights of My Summer Job

September 7, 2013

1. The Master Spreadsheet
2. Being kissed by a Macedonian...on the cheek (it was actually really strange and uncomfortable... honestly I will never get used to the European custom of cheek kissing.) *
3. Dancing with some guy from Denmark because I didn’t want to make him feel bad just because I can’t dance. And because when I said no for the 6th time he just took my hand and dragged me onto the dance floor. I took one for the team to prevent an international incident.* I realize this comes across a certain way but he was actually a complete gentleman and let me leave as soon as the song finished... coincidentally, he now believes me when I say I cannot dance.
4. Ya Mama... no seriously she always brought me coffee.
5. Picking up French people from the airport and actually having to speak French to them... and then failing miserably.*
6. Archiving old photos and documents for an anniversary piece
7. Eating copious amounts of Alberta Beef 
8. Sending secret mail to BD1 and waiting with giddy anticipation for her to receive it.
9. A lady from New Zealand giving me a kleenex package with a silver fern on it (New Zealand’s national symbol) and instructing me not to use them all up when they leave.
10. When the committee chair announced to 500 people that I was single and willing to move overseas.... and then had no takers.* #foreveralone

*Sarcasm

Top Ten Symptoms of the Champsosaur Effect

September 7, 2013

During these high stress days I stumbled upon what I like to call the Champsosaur effect. If you have or have had any of the following symptoms you may be suffering from the Champsosaur effect:

1. High stress levels
2. Reusing the same joke over and over and over and over and over again
3. You feel the need to steal fossils from a post secondary institution and place them on your desk (eg. a huge Champsosaur fossil and when your brilliant yet underpaid summer student asks you why, you say “It’s a conversation piece”)
4. I am not going to say “Ya Mama” because thats how serious the Champsosaur effect is...
5. You feel the need to get something done as inefficiently and as expensively as possible
6. You needlessly scream at people about things that really don’t matter (e.g. The placement of a lectern)
7. You start using words like “lectern”
8. The need to use obnoxious ringtones, hazard lights and various catchphrases to announce your presence
9. The overwhelming sensation that you are right about everything ever
10. General acts of douche baggery

If you or someone you love is suffering from the Champsosaur Effect please call 1-800-4-A-CHAMP and someone will be along to give you a swift kick in the pants and a large dose of reality.

Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate

September 24, 2013

1. When you first meet your roommate say "So tell me about your medical history"
2. Buy 3 or 4 of the same shirt and wear one everyday
3. Put your shampoo into a condiment bottle (ex. mustard)
4. Ya Mama... seriously it'd be weird if you brought her to live with you on campus
5. Ask them to keep track of how many sheets of toilet paper they use so you can split the cost fairly.
6. Take care of an imaginary cat, apologize for all the cat hair and leave a food dish out (empty it when you roomie is out for maximum effect)
7. Burst into fits of hysterical laughter while by yourself
8. On your side of the cupboard leave a hammer, a cutting board and a can of spam
9. Write "I'm watching you" on the bathroom mirror with something fairly translucent (lip balm works really well) so that it's not noticeable right away.
10. Sleep in the shower and then when your roomies gets up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and you are standing there like a flipping vampire (if you have a tuxedo and a cape you should wear that instead of your jammies) just casually say "What are you doing in my room?"

Top Five Things People Didn’t Tell Me About Winnipeg

October 3, 2013

1. There are all these towns with French names but if you pronounce them with a french accent people will look at you like you just murdered a puppy.  All the signs are bilingual and yet one mustn’t sound french. Say quoi?

2. There is goose feces EVERYWHERE, what is the goose population 17 times the national average or something.

3. Someone planned Winnipeg by letting their kid scribble all over a map which is why the intersections are all at strange angles with 5 roads converging on a single intersection.

4. Ya Mama

5. The Heat:  
     

       “Winnipeg is so cold”
       “Have fun in Winterpeg”
       “Make sure you bring a ton of warm clothing”

Why didn’t somebody say “Hey bring shorts and some sunscreen because in the summer it feels a lot like walking on the surface of the sun” I stepped out of my vehicle to a humid 35 degrees my first day in Winnipeg and  thought someone had launched a nuclear strike on Manitoba

Top Ten Reasons I Don't Write About Basketball

October 7, 2013

1.You don’t know me like that

2.  When things are going badly I sound pathetic

“Poor me, I suck merh merh merh excuses merh merh tired merh merh merh”

3.When things are going well I sound like I am bragging:

“I am the best player in the world, I could be the next Michael Jordan, I scored all the points in existence”

4. Ya Mama

5. I’d feel obligated to explain any basketball jargon and it would bog down my posts.  The sports enthusiasts would feel like I was being condescending and everyone else would just be bored.

6. The majority of my posts are dedicated to pointing out the stupid things people say and I am pretty sure my teammates would not appreciate me making fun of them on the internet... I mean... my teammates never say stupid things.. ever.

7. I take basketball really seriously and sometimes intensity comes across as crazy and I really can’t afford to be committed (again).

8.Unless I am talking about the time I dunked it (fisher price net for the win) does anyone really care about what I do on the basketball court

9.The people who want to hear about basketball ask about basketball

10. Basketball is more of a visual discussion topic