TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED WHILST PHONELESS

 

1. I use my phone for much more than I realized. Turns out my phone is more than just a phone, it's also an alarm clock.... so basically I was semi-sleeping in a constant state of terror that my alarm wasn't going to go off... until I found my old ipod which, as it turns out, is also an alarm clock.
2. Some people will only try to call you the moment your phone breaks. I have missed so many free cruises, you have no idea.
3. Not having a phone impacts others.... like my roommate who now has to find her phone instead of ask me to call it on her behalf.
4. Ya Mama... suddenly it's like we don't talk anymore.
5. I will spend my time on other stupid things when I don't have access to social media... like netflix or cleaning my room or neopets or exercising.
6. People don't judge you when you don't have plans if you don't have a phone. Hashtag winning my dudes!
7. My selfie game is still just as strong as it ever was.  Meaning not at all strong... taking photos of other people's dogs on the other hand….
   
8. I do actually need a phone... not a smart phone but in order to function as an employable human being, need a device with which to receive phone calls. 
9. My laptop does pretty much everything my phone could do (except the alarm clock thing... it only worked 1 out of 3 attempts).
10. Sometimes it's ok to just poop. Sit in the serene silence. Meditate. Take a porcelain pause to just be.

top ten list of things you should do in the first official month of your gap year

 

1. Preorder a book! Like a mother-fluffing billionaire with time to read for leisure. 
• Full disclosure: I used a coupon AND a giftcard.
2. Buy a really nice day planner! For years I promised myself that one day I would purchase a beautiful day planner and that day has come! It came with tabs, weekly sheets with enough room to write a novel about my day-to-day activities.

   

   Mine is the one lacking a floral accent... it's not that I have anything against floral... I just like the idea of seeming like I have a plan

3. Buy more than one vegetable at a time at the grocery store. You guys, I spent $40 at once at the grocery store the other day and let me tell you, it was an absolute thrill. I spent $50 a month on groceries maximum during my degree and supplement my poor diet with the multivitamins my parents gave me every year at Christmas time.
4. Ya Mama. Maybe send her a card or splurge on her birthday. 
5. Work with some puff pastry. Because why not? Do you want to feel like a world-class chef for an hour? Of course you do.

   

   These are delicious lemon poppyseed pretzels that weren't burnt nor were they prepared in the microwave.

6. Learn a trade! Of course by a trade I mean, learn how to crochet. Crochet is love. Crochet is life. 
   
7. Sleep. Oh my goodness gracious, can we all just get some sleep? I realize given the insomnia cooking show I host on my SnapChat story at least twice a week you might think this is not an accurate description of my life. Since finishing my degree my sleep has gone up approximately 400% according to a recent study that I have no desire to cite because I've clearly made it up for comedic purposes.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
8. Watch all the Netflix! I have watched more netflix this past month that I have during my entire degree.
9. Look at the timer you normally set when you're doing a fun activity so that you go back to studying and then laugh and laugh and laugh. This timer holds no power here.
10. Go support your local community theatre group! I didn't actually do this but had there been opportunity I would've donned a beret and golf-clapped so appropriately.

Top 10 Pro/Cons to Living with Me

1. I get psoriasis when I'm stressed out.

Pro: At least you don't have psoriasis.
Con: I leave a trail of flakey emotional distress wherever I go.

2.  I am comfortable sitting in silence.

Pro: I'll never fill silence with pointless small talk.
Con: It's a bit creepy sometimes.

3. I'm economical

Pro: I am budget conscious and live within my means.
Con: Economical is code for cheap which means I don't turn on lights, I reuse stir sticks AND I don't support anything that is frivolous in nature... like paying money to use the dryer when I can just hang everything I own (including socks and underwear) to dry.

4. Ya Mama!

Pro: She trusts me because I'm responsible.
Con: I can't lie to someone's mother so I might accidentally tell on you sometimes.

5. I'm absentminded 

Pro: I'll never remember whose turn it is to take out the garbage and because I know I'm absentminded I'll assume it's mine.
Con: At some point you'll find a spatula in the mailbox.

6. I'm a morning person! 

Pro: If you need to be up, now you're up.
Con: Before my morning work out, I'm stumbling around in the dark (see #3)  making noise. After my morning workout, I'm flinging open the front door and "singing" (yelling) at the top of my lungs.

7. I have no discernible talents

Pro: I couldn't show you up even if I tried.
Con: I'm useless as an ally.

8. I have uncurbable enthusiasm.

Pro: Whatever you are excited about, I am also excited about.
Con: I can talk animately about nickels for 45 consecutive minutes.

9.  I don't sleep at night.

Pro: I have soooo many hours in the day to get things done like unloading the dishwasher or cleaning out the fridge or locking the door or making sure the lint trap is not a fire hazard.
Con: You may hear me talking to myself about soup or the physics of pogs at 4 am.

10. I am not a hoarder but the possessions I do own are weird and unnecessary.

Pro: If you need an Erlenmeyer flask, broken sunglasses, a harmonica, a magnet, a magnifying glass or a Thor hammer, I probably have one.
Con: If you need to borrow a shirt that makes sense, I can't help you

Top Ten Pro-Tips for Aspiring Chefs

1. Anything is edible if you put enough ranch dressing on it.

2. If you aren't sure if something is cooked all the way ask a friend to try the first bite and wait 30-40 minutes.

3. You can become immune to food poisoning... at least I hope this is true because I've had it atleast 4 times since September (it was only my fault 3 of those times.... I am, after all, a professional).

4. Ya Mama is not as good of a cook as me.

5. If you can't appreciate burnt food, your pallet isn't sophisticated enough

6. If something isn't cooking fast enough just boil it for a bit (this works for anything: potatoes, steak, toast)

7. There is no such thing as too much seasoning, if it burns your throat it just means it's killing germs.

8. Don't worry if your dish looks like vomit, that just means it is easily digestible.

9. To reduce the amount of clean up you have, always pam everything: pans, plates, smoothie cups.

10. If at any point your dish starts smoking or you see visible flames, just add a litre of water and serve.

Bonus Tip: BBQ sauce is a universal substitute, you can use it in place of flour, pasta sauce and when cereal is involved milk.

Top 10 Things I Am Maybe Probably Addicted To

1. Tetris. I've mentioned it before but it's a legitimate problem.  I can't get past level ten and it affects my life.

2. Minimized windows. Right now I have 26,  although I don't know if this is an addiction so much as a fear of commitment.  I don't want the document closed but I don't want it opened either.

3.  Punk rock from the 90's... don't ask.

4. Ya Mama. her personality is just so effervescent

5. Chips. I can and do eat them for breakfast... No I can stop any time I want. TOUCH THOSE SOUR CREAM AND BACON CHIPS AND I WILL CUT YOU!  Whoa sorry I don't know what got into me there.

6. Puns. This has cost me friendships and put strain on my relationship with my family.  I can't live without a punchline. Isn't that punishment enough? What am I laughing at? Nothing *chortle* nothing at all.

7. Taking stuff apart.  Broken calculators, fans, jewellery, household pets.  I may or may not have an entire bin full of stuff I have dismantled, said "That's pretty neat" and then because I broke it trying to take it apart, there's no way I can put it back together (I said stuff I was addicted to, not good at).  But I have a skewed sense of sentimentality I keep it all.  I tell myself that it's because I want to be prepared for the apocalypse but I know that's a lie.  I'm severely asthmatic and clumsy to the point of defying physics there is no way I am surviving the apocalypse.

8. Socks. It's gotten to the point where I feel weird if I don't have socks on.  I don't even own sandals because what's the point of going outside if I can't have socks on?

9. Parenting Articles. I don't know why but I read at least three parenting articles every day.  I have no kids.  I want no kids.  But their little minds perceive things so differently.  Go ahead, ask me what I think of time outs as an effective punishment... no seriously please ask me... c'mon ASK ME!

10. Heroine.  I just can't get enough of a strong female character.

Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Dumbbell

1.You don't understand stand why you need to wipe off gym equipment after use.  It's already drenched in sweat, it'll just take longer to dry if I wipe it down with sanitizer.  

2. You don't feel the need to flush the toilet.  YOU ARE AN ADULT!  If I have to keep flushing toilets I am going to start wearing a vest and demanding tips.

3.  You wear street shoes... I am not talking about wearing your cross trainers from the car to the gym (although that is prohibited).  I am talking about the people who have mud caked onto their shoes and proceed to walk around the gym knowingly leaving a trail of filthy dumbbell footprints all over the gym and the equipment.  Sorry did you not see the 16 signs that say "No Street Shoes" or......

4.  Ya Mama... gets left at the gym because you forgot you brought her with you.

5. You take 16 towels.  Because everyone knows it's magical fairies that wash towels, not real live human beings whose time might be spent better elsewhere.

6. You don't put said 16 towels in the hamper.  Everyone else puts their towels in the hamper so stands to reason I should leave it on a bench or piece of equipment.  #logic

7. You fling weights.  I understand why people drop weights but when people drop them before they've even really lifted them properly, it's not lifting it's flinging.  "Bro I can totally fling a solid 250"

8. You don't understand the term Personal Space.  I am cleaning equipment and you are patiently waiting for said equipment.  That's really great but did you know you can wait for equipment without standing directly behind or in front of me.  In fact by waiting in your own personal space you significantly reduce the chances of getting a face full of harsh chemicals.

9. You leave weights lying around.  It's like you thought "This is the heaviest object in the whole gym, I'll pick it up and leave right in the middle of the floor and then I'll go home."  Great because I really love failing to lift twice my weight and then interrupting a complete stranger's workout so that a better person than you can help me clean up your mess.

10. You talk on the phone.  I am not talking about answering your phone and then going to the lobby or outside to finish your conversation.   I am talking about you thinking you are so much more important that everyone else that you feel the need to loudly talk about your life while sitting on a piece of equipment.  "Yeah bro I am working out right now"... no you aren't. you are actually preventing other people from working out while you yell about how noisy it is in the gym...  if only there was somewhere quiet for you to go.

Top Ten Things That Have Betrayed Me

1. Coffee: Basically I tripped down the stairs and then my coffee laughed in my face except coffee can't laugh so it just vomited lava humiliation into my face... and ruined the carpet. BETRAYAL!
See my previous post for more details.

2. Cleaning Supplies: I was promised stain removal, I still only have stain... BETRAYAL!

3. Cribbage: I was on a killer hot streak and needed 3 points to win the game and then I had no points in my crib.... BETRAYAL!

4. Ya Mama: She yelled "19" right before I looked at my crib... BETRAYAL!

5. Reality: I am supposed to be in love, having the time of my life and dancing through life.  Instead I am single, cranky and tripping down the stairs.  BETRAYAL!

6. The Chiropractor: So when I fell down the stairs I threw my shoulder and neck out.  Relax, he said it'll be fine he said.. and then he snapped my shoulder blade back into place and I threw up in my mouth.  BETRAYAL!

7. My sister's childhood: More specifically the elephant costume I spent an hour stretching so I could fit into it.  I woke up this morning to find both my shoulders bruised from trying to squeeze into a costume I rescued from certain destruction.  BETRAYAL!

8. Lemon Chamomile Tea: I like lemon, I like chamomile but together it tasted like pine needles and dish soap.  I trusted you Lipton.  BETRAYAL!

9. Perogies: I was microwaving perogies for lunch.  Ate half of one.  Perfect, a delicious whirlwind of potato and fulfilled dreams.  The second half of the SAME perogy exploded with malicious intent and burned the roof of my mouth so bad it blistered. I was lulled into a false sense of security so my lunch could maim me.  BETRAYAL!

10. The Microwave:  Guilty by association.  The microwave aligned itself with the perogy and therefore is a party to the BETRAYAL!